Down day and lots of pain

Down day and lots of pain

My right foot is giving me grief. I think I will be going back to PT as I think I sprained my ankle again but I need some kind of support so this doesn’t happen again. Sadly, I don’t have anymore money to buy an ankle supporter. I think I am going to get a laced up one, as long as it doesn’t rub against my arch, causing my heel to hurt. I noticed today that I am turning my foot so my heel doesn’t hurt, which is causing my ankle to hurt. Now that I am home, I can barely stand and my brain is hurting as to which one hurts more, my left or right. I had to use the walker again. My PCP wasn’t helpful. But I did get him to give me a referral for the brace clinic and see the brace guy that I have been seeing. I made an appointment with him for next week, which means another week of agony.

My mother needed bread and she was making some weird dish with broccoli so I wanted pizza. I literally walked around the block, in a square, so technically 4 blocks. I came home tired so took a nap in my underwear because I was too hot. I slept four hours and now my ankle hates me. My heel pain is hurting but no where near last night’s levels. It was completely torture last night. I got PTSD going on which meant I couldn’t lay down because I was scared that I was going to be in more pain. No amount of trying to soothe myself helped. I was so afraid to move my body to lay down and then move my ankle so I could sleep. It was torture and I was up most of the night. I drew a picture of where it hurt. I have no idea why. I made circles around where it hurt and then named them. The glob is the area where there are muscles, bones, tendons, and ligaments. The malleolus which is the ankle bone. Then a new area that was my new suicidal ankle pain spot. I drew a line where the familiar suicidal ankle pain was. That distracted me but didn’t help me to sleep.

I texted my therapist late last night telling him I couldn’t sleep. I sent the same message to my psychiatrist along with the picture. I was in horrific pain. All because I saw my fucking therapist! WTF!! I really wanted to down the bottle of gaba but I didn’t. No one was awake at that hour except a Twitter follower that basically said that I couldn’t have suicidal thoughts and I couldn’t die. Thanks, that helps me so damn much. Go back to your corner of the world. I know she was trying to be helpful but that is not being helpful! Denying someone their thoughts because of pain is not helpful. I got mad. I watch some youTube things about the buffoon in office. I am scared of what he is going to say tonight and I am so fucking mad at the national TV stations for giving in to this liar!!

Tomorrow will be my 98th day of transition. I am going to post pics (not here) but on my social media on day 100. I will be making a dirty gravy as my sister wants that for supper for my Mother’s birthday. I was going to use 3 cans of tomatoes but I think I am going to use 4. It goes so fast and she always takes a big chunk of what I make because she really likes it. Last time I made it, I think I had like 2 containers and that was it. I would like more because I really love this. It is one of my favorite things I make. Only trouble is, my mother has the cans of tomatoes in the back of her closet which takes some maneuvering to get the cans. Why she has to have them in the back, I don’t know. I might steal two cans of my sisters as they are in our hallway. HAHA. I did that last time I made the gravy because I didn’t want to fiddle my back to grab my mother’s cans.

I am feeling depressed because I am in so much pain, again. Two nights in a row is not fun. I hope it isn’t a nasty flare. I just won’t be able to handle it because I need to see my therapist tomorrow. I need therapy. I can’t just stop because I am in pain. I feel like I am pushing myself to try to lead a normal life even though I have chronic pain.

I shaved my head today and trimmed my goatee thing that seems to be the only facial hair that I have. I was expecting more but whatever. I guess it will come in time. I love the song Shallow by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. This is the first song I have ever bought with Lady Gaga. She has a wonderful voice. I don’t know why I am addicted to this song. Last night I downloaded different music apps because the one that I primarily used, Rocket Player, fucked up all my music so I had to go to something else. I was using Samsung music but got tired of it. Then I was using music but the fucking thing beeped every time it played a song and then would stop, even if the thing was on shuffle repeat. But now I am using Pi and it seems to be okay. I am charging my headphones so I can have them for tomorrow. They make good ear protectors from the cold, LOL. I just hope there is no precipitation or I will have to use earbuds. I know we are in a storm pattern and that is why my pain sucks right now but fuck. The barometric pressure dropped. Yesterday around this time it was 30.3. Now it is 29.69. Fun!!!!! Can’t wait to see what the pressure will be tomorrow.

any thoughts?

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