Run around day for nothing

Run around day for nothing

I thought I had an appointment at 0900 this morning. I set my alarm at good time to get dressed and brush my teeth. I unfortunately, didn’t get up right away and when I checked my watch, I was late. I left the house hurriedly to catch the bus or I would have been screwed. I had to get coffee or I was going to be a bitch. I was fifteen late only for the secretary to tell me my appointment was canceled and rescheduled! I was so damn pissed. The appointment was reschedule on Halloween so I never got notified. Then I thought maybe an email was sent and I just never read it. My ankle was smarting so I decided to go home before my next appointment, which I thought was at 11 but it was at 1. I was all screwed up today.

I got home and took my meds. I checked for an email and there wasn’t. Now I was really mad. I woke up for nothing and rushed out of the house for nothing. I shouldn’t have come home though. I was getting lazy and comfy so I didn’t want to go out again, but I had to see my psychiatrist. So I brushed my teeth and then left to go to the bus stop. I left really early and so waited. There was a homeless guy at the stop and we made conversation. I felt really bad that I didn’t have any money on me to give him. I knew they were going to give him grief on the bus. I tried to use my pass twice for him but it wouldn’t work. He had to use whatever change he had. I felt really awful.

I got to my appointment okay. I was feeling really tired and hungry as I didn’t eat anything and all this running around was making me tired. I was glad my psychiatrist’s office is the building closest to the train station so I didn’t have to walk too much. I flatly told her I was suicidal. I didn’t say that I had plans but we came to an agreement. I told her that during my pain episodes I am likely to kill myself but am getting worried that not being able to walk might override my walk three feet to the bureau to get the meds I need to kill myself. She wants me to page her, at whatever hour, to talk about it. We briefly discussed the hospital but I told her I wanted my mother’s turkey and I didn’t want to be inpatient as that just sucks during the holidays. I also told her I would go in but they mess up my meds so much that I would be at the med counter forever taking pills. Plus, the way my pain meds are written, I wouldn’t be taking them the way I take them at home. I would be screwed and that might send me over the edge when I got out.

She reiterated that she wants me to page her when I feel suicidal or just need to talk about things. She wants me to be in contact with her more frequently and wants to know how my Thanksgiving went. I told her I would send her a blog. I apologized for not sending her blogs because they have been shitty lately and I know they would worry her.

Despite drinking a lot of caffeine today, I feel really tired. I had four shots of espresso this morning and another two this afternoon when I had my lunch. You would think that would keep me up and not feel drowsy. Yeah, right. I guess I needed the caffeine to help offset all the running around I did today. I just hope it doesn’t back fire on me and then I am up most of the night due to restlessness. Being in pain is going to be a given because my ankle is already sore. There were no seats on the train ride home so I had to stand a few stops before one became available. Then the next stop, a large woman sat next to me, invading my personal space. I was not happy. The worse part was that she was on her damn phone so I couldn’t move. I hate people like that. I know I am not a thin person but at least have respect for the person sitting next to you.

I told my psych about how my therapist’s anxiety is interfering with our sessions. I just feel like all she does is talk and I listen, not speaking what I want to say, which leaves me feeling frustrated and useless. I didn’t tell her that my therapist forced a session on me yesterday. That might not have gone too well. My therapist is nuts though. Sadly, she admits it freely so there is no hope.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Run around day for nothing

  1. Bummer. I’m glad you have so much support from your psychiatrist. I’m frankly worried about your therapist situation. It seems she is causing you distress because of her inability to maintain a proper therapeutic relationship, with its obligatory boundaries. I know you’ve been with her forever, but sometimes it’s necessary to make a change when things take an unhealthy turn. I once had a woman therapist fall in love with me. Holy shit, was that a mess! I was really sick at the time, and she was being entirely inappropriate. Fortunately I was able to extract myself from her grip, but not without a struggle. I hope you’re able to resolve this one way or another, and soon.

    I was hospitalized over Thanksgiving once, and it was a major drag. Everyone was keyed up. The nurses were pissed they had to work, and made no bones about it. Unfortunately that year they kicked me out after 3 days and I was back in at Christmas. That was in 2001, haven’t been in the bin since and hope it never comes to that again.

    • G. Collerone says:

      I had a 2 month stint in the bin for thanksgiving and christmas. It sucked.

    • G. Collerone says:

      I know that it’s getting a little unprofessional with my therapist, and if i could find another one with in my radius I would jump on it but there isn’t. My psych even tried and failed, and she is good with referrals. Ppl just don’t want a high risk suicidal client and I think that just keeps my therapist so damn close. I do think she has an unconditional love for me that is a little too close for comfort but there is nothing i can really do about it.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    glad you had a good psych apt. she seems so caring and very clued in. i’m sorry the therapist situation is still going on though. xxx

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