Run around day for nothing
I thought I had an appointment at 0900 this morning. I set my alarm at good time to get dressed and brush my teeth. I unfortunately, didn’t get up right away and when I checked my watch, I was late. I left the house hurriedly to catch the bus or I would have been screwed. I had to get coffee or I was going to be a bitch. I was fifteen late only for the secretary to tell me my appointment was canceled and rescheduled! I was so damn pissed. The appointment was reschedule on Halloween so I never got notified. Then I thought maybe an email was sent and I just never read it. My ankle was smarting so I decided to go home before my next appointment, which I thought was at 11 but it was at 1. I was all screwed up today.
I got home and took my meds. I checked for an email and there wasn’t. Now I was really mad. I woke up for nothing and rushed out of the house for nothing. I shouldn’t have come home though. I was getting lazy and comfy so I didn’t want to go out again, but I had to see my psychiatrist. So I brushed my teeth and then left to go to the bus stop. I left really early and so waited. There was a homeless guy at the stop and we made conversation. I felt really bad that I didn’t have any money on me to give him. I knew they were going to give him grief on the bus. I tried to use my pass twice for him but it wouldn’t work. He had to use whatever change he had. I felt really awful.
I got to my appointment okay. I was feeling really tired and hungry as I didn’t eat anything and all this running around was making me tired. I was glad my psychiatrist’s office is the building closest to the train station so I didn’t have to walk too much. I flatly told her I was suicidal. I didn’t say that I had plans but we came to an agreement. I told her that during my pain episodes I am likely to kill myself but am getting worried that not being able to walk might override my walk three feet to the bureau to get the meds I need to kill myself. She wants me to page her, at whatever hour, to talk about it. We briefly discussed the hospital but I told her I wanted my mother’s turkey and I didn’t want to be inpatient as that just sucks during the holidays. I also told her I would go in but they mess up my meds so much that I would be at the med counter forever taking pills. Plus, the way my pain meds are written, I wouldn’t be taking them the way I take them at home. I would be screwed and that might send me over the edge when I got out.
She reiterated that she wants me to page her when I feel suicidal or just need to talk about things. She wants me to be in contact with her more frequently and wants to know how my Thanksgiving went. I told her I would send her a blog. I apologized for not sending her blogs because they have been shitty lately and I know they would worry her.
Despite drinking a lot of caffeine today, I feel really tired. I had four shots of espresso this morning and another two this afternoon when I had my lunch. You would think that would keep me up and not feel drowsy. Yeah, right. I guess I needed the caffeine to help offset all the running around I did today. I just hope it doesn’t back fire on me and then I am up most of the night due to restlessness. Being in pain is going to be a given because my ankle is already sore. There were no seats on the train ride home so I had to stand a few stops before one became available. Then the next stop, a large woman sat next to me, invading my personal space. I was not happy. The worse part was that she was on her damn phone so I couldn’t move. I hate people like that. I know I am not a thin person but at least have respect for the person sitting next to you.
I told my psych about how my therapist’s anxiety is interfering with our sessions. I just feel like all she does is talk and I listen, not speaking what I want to say, which leaves me feeling frustrated and useless. I didn’t tell her that my therapist forced a session on me yesterday. That might not have gone too well. My therapist is nuts though. Sadly, she admits it freely so there is no hope.