Anxiety continues and panic is starting

Anxiety continues and panic is starting

I keep on being “ok” and then I will log onto the patient web thing and see my “procedure” appointment and I just panic. So I can go from a little anxiety to major anxiety in a short time. I hate having this much anxiety. To set things even better, I am having extrapyramidal symptoms in my hands as I cannot hold a pen without shaking. I took some Benadryl as that is what a google said was for fast relief. I was going to take an Ativan but seeing as allergies are out of control, Benadryl seemed a better choice as it will help the anxiety as well. If I feel drowsy I will sleep. I got nothing planned. I nixed going out. Even if I got the half and half, it would go to waste as I would be the only one using it and for 2 days I am not going to go through a quart so I would just waste my money. My waistline does not need Oreos. I still would like the cereal though. Oh well. I will make do without.

I finally was able to successfully test the virtual health thing, I think. I got it on my laptop and phone so I can use either tomorrow. I think I might do the laptop in the morning and then phone in the afternoon. I am not sure. I told my therapist I was having difficulties, and she said we can have a phone call session. I am so nervous technology is going to fail. But we will see tomorrow if all goes to plan.

I had like four of my hard cookies. They made good for dunking in my tea. Bladder is not working today as far as voiding on my own. I am writing down some questions for the urologist if I am able to connect for tomorrow’s appointment. I’d like to know if what I am doing is alright with her. I think what I am doing is okay but there are times where I cath more than 5 times a day and then there are days where I only cath 2 or 3 times. It totally varies on my urge to go. Sometimes it is strong and other times it is there but not enough to go. I can sit on the toilet but it takes like 5 minutes of sitting there to pee. I hate it. But then I hate cathing too. I got into a really bad fit last night about it. Mostly because it triggered a flashback but most of the time I can shrug it off. Yesterday was a day where things I normally shrug off didn’t get shrugged. I was having such a hard time and then there is this therapist in MN that keeps counseling me. I know she is just trying to be nice and supportive. But I just find it a little weird.

I had chili for brunch. Had tea as well. I don’t know what else I will have. I am not hungry right now. I might have cereal later. I am trying my best to not have anything after 10pm. Last night I failed. I was hungry so had a PB&J sandwich around 11pm. I just realized I am not going to have Starbucks until after surgery. What a bummer. They closed the Au Bu Pain near the hospital so I can’t have their coffee either. I am sad about that because I love Au Bu Pain. I wonder if the one in the Square is still open? I got to look next time I go there.

Tomorrow is T shot day. I plan on giving it after my appointment with my uro, that is if I don’t end up giving it around or after midnight if I am still up. I want to change my sheets but I will probably do that tomorrow. That should make me tired enough to go to bed early so I am not up all night. I don’t know if I am going to sleep or not. I am so anxious as it is. I am surprised I am sleeping. I slept all morning though because I was up at 2 bloody am with my damn bladder. I hope that I don’t have a repeat of this tonight as I need to be up at 8 am to be ready for my uro appointment at 9. Got three appointments and I don’t have to leave the house. Going to be weird.