Random blog 27112022
I had placed Amazon orders last week and most of them are being delivered today so I feel like Christmas has come early for me. I had to order a new Titanic DVD because I have no idea where my copy is and I am too overwhelmed with trying to find it. Soon as it comes I will be watching it. It is my favorite movie. I seen it in theaters 16 times. I was really into it when it came out.
Rob Thomas – Someday (Official Video) – YouTube
This is my new favorite song and when I saw this video, I started crying because there LGBTQ near the end of the song. One of the psych nurses shared this song with me and it so resonates with me. It gives me all the feels.
I am getting nervous as Tues approaches and I see my pcp. The first two times I saw her I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. I was in a catatonic state and all I did was say yes to everything that was asked of me. I wasn’t too talkative. I thought the doctor was talking in sign language with my sister as she had accompanied me there to get rid of my medications. I am still pissed my sister got rid of my meds. I understand why she did but I don’t like it. Now I am scrambling to get them as I only am getting a three day supply at a time until I see my pcp and pdoc. It is very frustrating because I have to “special” order the Latuda because it is a brand name medication, just for three fucking pills.
I plan on reading most of the day today. I have no other plans as my sister is picking up my meds at the pharmacy. I don’t have to go across town to get them. I will have to do that tomorrow. I just added the pharmacy that is in the Square so that I can pick up there and get Starbucks afterwards or Chipotle. I can also go for pizza at the restaurant across from the T station. I have weird memories about the square because my sister used to work there when her office was there. Now she works in the North Shore as a manager. She has moved up in her job and I am so proud of her.
Other than feeling anxious, I am also struggling with the depression and the darkness inside me. I think the darkness is fueled by the hopelessness I feel. I really hope that my new pcp cares enough to listen to what I have to say about being trans and how important it is that she clear me for top surgery. I am trying not to catastrophize about it. It fills me with dread and sadness and despair when I think what would happen if she says she cannot clear me because of x. Or if she wants to wait a bit and see how I do outside the hospital for a while. Trouble is, I don’t want to fucking wait. I want the surgery scheduled as soon as possible, not wait till fucking March to see the surgeon.
I got to take a walk. I am feeling cooped up and frustrated because of what I am writing about my surgery. This is so fucking important to me right now. I wrote on Twitter last night that the social worker at the hospital said it is “life-saving surgery” and it truly is. I cannot stand to be in this body the way it is right now. It is so incongruent to how I feel as a man. One of the nurses in the hospital wants me to write a book about being trans. I had written a page. I just need to type it up and then collect some of my dysphoria blogs to have a few chapters. I just need to edit out the stuff that is my daily report of how things go for the day.
I am thinking of going to Starbucks with my laptop and see how much of the story of being trans goes. It might be a good experiment. I will try not to connect to the internet while there as that will just bring on a Twitter binge. Before I can go out, I do need to shower. It has been more than a couple days since I last took one. I am starting to smell again. I need to remember to use deodorant after I shower. I always forget to use it. I have like three different brands of deodorant, each smell different. I have one that is 48 hours long. I sometimes use that if I have appointments that are back to back days. I see my pdoc this week. I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw him. I think I saw him as I was leaving the psych unit of the hospital but I am not sure if it was him or not. Going to be weird seeing him again.
Saturday Blog 26112022
Been a long while since I last wrote a Saturday blog. I was mostly depressed today. I didn’t want to do anything but I forced myself to. I had ordered groceries and they were delivered before the OSU game. I put most of the stuff away as I watched the game. Then around the end of the 2nd quarter, the cable went out for the channel I was watching. I missed the loss to Michigan. I was not happy.
I had made plans with a friend to meet up in Boston to go for Thai food at our favorite restaurant. It was a good outing and I am glad I didn’t cancel on her. My older friend is in his 80’s and his memory is not what it should be. It is sad. He has lived a long life. After dinner, we went to the ice cream shop across the street for dessert. I had sugar cookie ice cream. It was so good.
I am contemplating what to do the rest of the night. Last night I read for a while. I am re-reading Building a life worth living by Marsha Linehan. I am getting the idea that even though we had different circumstances, I share a lot of the same things with her in regards to being accepted by our mothers and family. We are both outsiders. Maybe that is why I am so against DBT, because it reminds me of things I should be doing as I need to have skills but don’t have the patience to learn them.
What a morning!
I have had a very frustrating morning. I was on hold with the pharmacy for more than a half hour and then they hung up on me! I was so pissed off. The visiting nurse came and luckily my blood pressure was within normal limits. We chatted for a bit and I walked her out as I was going to the pharmacy to get the meds I needed. Because the hospital didn’t want to give me more than three days supply of meds, I am refilling my meds frequently. I would have picked them up yesterday but the pharmacy was closed because of the holiday. They also didn’t have one of my medications so now I need to go to another location to pick it up as I don’t have anymore meds.
My sister found the magnesium and vitamin D that I had somewhere in my room after she got rid of my meds. I am still pissed about it. All my meds are gone because “they were expired”, which is bullshit. Meds don’t really expire.
I didn’t charge my phone overnight so now I got to wait till it is fully charged before going to the other pharmacy location. My sister said she could take me so I might get take her up on it rather than taking the bus.
I got the new Taylor Swift album. It is okay. I love all the new songs but it is way different album than her past ones. It has a new beat to them which I am trying to get used to. My favorite song is Anti-Hero. It is really cool. You’re on your own kid is also a good song. I like the beat of it.
I’ve had two cups of coffee nearly every day since coming home from the hospital. I am making up for the three months I didn’t have caffeine. I mostly drank multiple cups of decaffeinated tea while in the psych unit. It is weird eating real food again, when I want it and without ordering it and receiving it by a staff member. I have gained back the weight I lost while on the unit because I ate so much and didn’t exercise. I paced around the unit nearly every day but not enough to burn calories. I am so out of shape that walking to the pharmacy knocks the wind out of me. I wonder how I am going to be when I go to the hospital on Tues to see my pcp. There is a lot of walking there. After the appointment, I need to get my glasses adjusted. I hope that I don’t have to make an appointment at the eye place for it. I need to call on Monday.
OMG the drama of trying to fill my Latuda at a retail store! Fucking pharmacy doesn’t stock brand name meds so they have to order it. Problem is that I just have three fucking pills until I see my psychiatrist on Thursday. This is just a big pain in the ass filling every few days. Supposedly if I order on a Sunday, they will have it in stock on Monday. We will see. I have to order a day before. Today has been a shitshow for picking up my meds. I really hope in a few days I will have a better experience.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers! This year I am grateful I have all of you and that I am here to celebrate with my family at home and not in the hospital.
Yesterday I had therapy and it was another day of learning what had happened prior to my hospitalization. Apparently words were exchanged between me and my therapist and she was very concerned that she wanted to section me. I have no recollection of this. I also learned that the OD was on Aug 26, day after the last session with my therapist before hospitalization. I went to the ED four days later as I was feeling weak, not knowing I was in renal failure.
I had a good Thanksgiving meal. I passed out after it. I didn’t have dessert so my brother in law saved me a piece of pumpkin pie. I will have it tomorrow morning for breakfast along with the carrot cake my sister made. It will go good with coffee.
Overall I had a good day. I had made the squash and it came out good. I think I was the only one that ate it. That is ok. I like leftovers. There was plenty of turkey left and stuffing. My mother made it and it was so damn good. I was eating it before it was warmed up. I could eat the entire thing if it was left for me.
Patriots play tonight. I don’t think I will be watching the game though. It isn’t on till 8pm and I usually go to bed around that time.