Back pain and heating pads

Back pain and heating pads

I have been in agony most of the day with my back. It doesn’t want to move it’s normal way so it’s hurting me. Any movement that I make, I am in severe pain. I just was able to get it under control using my strong pain pills and a heating pad. I didn’t think a heating pad was going to work but it did. Now that I have slept most of the afternoon and evening, I can’t go to sleep.

My mind is wondering in a million directions. I am thinking of dying because that is what I think of when I can’t sleep and I am in pain. I took some Aleve to help with the pain because I am almost out of my regular pain pills. I get to see a new NP on Friday to get a refill. Oh joy. I hope she isn’t a hard ass.

I have been thinking of making the pumpkin cake again. I would make the pumpkin fluff but I don’t have vanilla pudding. I rather have the cake anyway. I can only make one dessert because I have just one can of pumpkin. I finished off the pumpkin cupcakes today. I don’t think I will make them again unless I use a different liner. The paper one that I used stuck to the cupcake making it very difficult to remove. Didn’t help that the pumpkin became all watery like. It was still good but was gooey.

I texted my therapist that I wanted to die. I don’t see why I have to live. What is the point exactly? To be in pain all the time? I am tired of being in pain. If it’s not back pain, it’s ankle or foot pain. I can’t walk with either pain. Just standing is difficult. I feel like an old crooked man as I can’t stand straight anymore. It’s just something I shouldn’t have to go through. The depression is worse every day and so is the suicidal stuff. The pain is just the icing on the cake. All I have to do is put my plan into motion. And why can’t I? Why can’t I just end my life?

I really wanted to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the MFA in Boston. But if I can’t stand for more than a few seconds, I don’t see how that is going to be possible. I am so damn sad at this. I had bought membership to the museum so I can go a few times as I know it wouldn’t be possible to see everything in one go. Now that I am ill, I can’t go and her exhibit is only for another few weeks. Damn temperature changes causing my back to go out like a damn switch. Happens every fucking year. It’s below 50 degrees right now so I am going to be hurting tomorrow. I just seriously hope by some miracle, my back is okay enough to go into Boston to see the NP to get my prescription. I have tried doing some exercises but those just cause me more pain. I am fucked.