clusterfuck of a day

Clusterfuck of a day

Yesterday I spent all day in bed as my foot and ankle were competing as to who was going to hurt me more. I did the bare minimum of things and barely ate. I basically just left my room to eat whatever and use the bathroom. My mother was mad that I didn’t do the dishes like I have all week since she was sick. My sister did them but my mother wanted me to do them. Tough shit. My sister texted me saying that my mother’s sugar was low last night. I couldn’t move as I was in too much pain.

Today my back was sore. I think I slept the wrong way or the change in temp (it went up to 40F degrees) killed me. I stayed in bed most of the day. I made my mother dinner and then she wanted me to do the dishes. Tough shit. I just took some advil for my back. If it calms down, I will do the few that are there.

My therapist texted me yesterday about my statement. I apparently over paid him and had a credit of $210, that was not counting the $135 I sent him. So he is going to cash the checks and then write me a check for that amount. I basically don’t have to pay him again till March or April, if I continue to see him.

My mother is still sick and tomorrow is her birthday. I don’t think she will want anyone over the house. I have physical therapy tomorrow. I set my alarm as I haven’t been getting up early and I need a shower. I am going to tell the PT that I am giving her until the end of Jan to help me. So far nothing we have done has helped decrease my pain. I honestly don’t see the point in continuing when it isn’t doing anything. I hope I can see her tomorrow, provided my back isn’t flared like it is right now. Guess we’ll have to wait and see. I hate these flare ups. Sometimes they last a day and sometimes weeks. They generally go away on their own as I woke up with it. I didn’t do anything, least I don’t think I did, to set them off.

I got my medical insurance card. I need to call them to find out why it’s different than the one I had last year. Usually, if you want things kept the same, you don’t have to send them any paperwork. So I didn’t. Now it’s changed to a cheaper plan and I am not sure what that will mean. It’s still a PPO plan but I am not sure what it covers. I might have to go to the benefits office when I see my psych on Friday. Calling them isn’t going to get me anything but aggravated.

The pain clinic called today. I have an appt with them in February. Only thing is, it isn’t with an MD but a PhD, which can mean it is with a pain psychologist. I am not happy about this. The last time I saw a pain psychologist for a pain clinic, the MDs didn’t want anything to do with me and sent me off because this psychologist said that I would abuse or misuse my meds due to my sexual abuse history. Here it is 6 years later and I am on the same dose of meds and I am not abusing or misusing my meds, at all. I swear the system is rigged. I probably am going to have to have a few session with this guy before I see an MD for my pain. This just means I will suffer more while this goes on. I literally have to suffer another month before seeing this psychologist. Fuck. All because my PCP is a chicken shit. I just want to die it would be easier than going through this hassle. I don’t see a point in continuing.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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