Category: suicide attempt

I just read a fellow bloggers blog. You could here the desperation in her words. I am pretty much in the same boat. I am debating on staying in the hospital a little longer because the last two days, I have been severely depressed. People can look at me and see how depressed I am. I don’t like it. But it is what it is. I can’t pretend anymore. I haven’t felt suicidal but that is only one step away from where I am right now.

I don’t have any clue what I’ll be doing when I get home. Being home doesn’t scare me, my thoughts do. I haven’t met with my contact person yet. Maybe he has some ideas. But then he doesn’t know me. We’ll just have to see.

I talked with a family member last might who read my book. She said she had no clue there was a dark side to me. We are going for lunch on Thursday.

I have been thinking about my writing partner’s silly ideas of writing a coping handbook about dealing with suicidal thoughts. It is not a bad idea. It might help because what works for me, might work for some one. I have to think about it some. Otherwise it will be two paragraphs and that won’t help anyone.

I am very tired. I hit my head on a chair, not on purpose. Something fell and when I went to pick it up, my head found the chair instead of the dropped object. OUCH!! I told staff. They just told me to take Tylenol. It might be a bruise tomorrow. I don’t care.

I was feeling emotionally and physically drained today. I couldn’t think or concentrate. It has been a rough day.

I will be getting discharged on Monday. I cannot wait to leave this place and be on my own again. I so miss the confines of my room. I miss my laptop. But I miss my home more. I know my mother missed me and I wish I felt the same but I don’t. 

like I said, I feel drained today. It is off because I was feeling so upbeat yesterday. I was a little hypomanic. Then I took my pain meds and I have been depressed since. I feel worse than what I came in with. My brain is slow moving so this blog may not be too long. I am having difficulty putting thoughts to my words, if that makes sense. I don’t think it is a side effect of medication. Definitely one of depression.

We had group therapy today. I was so foggy, I don’t remember too much of what was going on. The time seemed to go on forever. I just wanted to go back to bed. I struggles with that all day. The other patients kept asking me why I was so depressed. I didn’t have an answer for them. I just was really down and not talkative. If I wasn’t moving, I could have been in a vegetative state. But after I had my check in, I tried to sleep. It’s not easy because of checks and people walking in the hallway. My room is a single. Don’t know how I managed that but I am grateful. It’s nice because I’m not bothering anyone and no one is bothering me. My room is opposite a double and triple so there is constant foot shuffling in the hallway, which makes it hard to sleep. I leave my door open so that the checks person isn’t opening and closing it all the time, which further makes sleep difficult. This is the first hospitalization that I have ever left my door open. I don’t know why I can sleep with it open. Usually, I need a pitch dark room to sleep. But not on this occasion. Weird.

When I get out, I have to email my pdoc every day until I see her on Friday, no exceptions. Dammit. I have no clue what I will write. “I’m alive” comes to mind or “I’m still here”. I  might alternate between the two. I don’t think the email has to be very long.

I miss my therapist terribly. It’s been more than a month since we had a session. Well almost a month as I have been in the hospital for three weeks now. I won’t talk to her until the 26th.  😦

I am not getting discharged tomorrow, though I still want to be. I just can’t get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. Mr. Hyde wants to come out and play. I am having a hard time holding him back. All he wants is an outlet to write suicide goodbye letters. So maybe this blog will be an outlet for him. He needs to be in control or else bad things happen.

There is a patient snoring where I am at the nurse’s station. It is annoying me. But it is better than her legs jumping. I haven’t met many people on the unit the I can really talk to. I am glad because then I don’t have to keep up the relationship when I get discharged. It is hard staying friends with people when you get out of the hospital. People just go on with their lives.

I still feel pretty hopeless. My case manager wants me to work on short and long term goals. I can work on the short, the longer ones I don’t think I can because I feel i don’t have a future.

I wish I brought my laptop so typing this would be easier. Plus I could edit my works for my short story. I actually write a short story while I was in here. I’m not going to publish it in blog form but will in my book. I am hoping my second book is more successful than my first. But I know what to do the second time around, if there is one.

I got guilt tripped into staying alive. I fucking hate that

Robin Williams death has touched me deeply. I have grown up with this man got all my life and now that he is gone, I feel an emptiness I cannot describe.

I feel that it is now my turn to commit suicide. I will be out of the hospital on Thursday. I have made up my mind. I am in a pissed off mood today. I woke up on the other side of the bed, or however the saying goes. I really don’t give a flying fuck.

The world is always dark and gray to me. I will never see the light or bright colors. I am too far into the abyss. I tried to get help but they really can’t help a hopeless person. I have too many wounds and they just like keeping Band-Aids on them. Like today, they wanted me to talk about my mother and my relationship with her. Its not going to change by a hospital admission. And don’t anyone dare try and tell me that they were trying. I know the system too well. They try to talk about it and then they leave you hanging dry with the emotions. They told me the would work on it later but I know later is never going to come.

I am in a dark place today. Woke up in a suicidal mood. Haven’t told anyone. I don’t even know who my contact person is tonight. Doesn’t matter. Come this weekend this will be over. I will end my suffering because it needs to end. I am too tired of fighting this illness all the time. Its too much for me to bear.

I will be writing up my will and testament tonight as well as the letter to my friend asking him to do what needs to be done so that my online friends know that I am gone. I just hope that he complies.

I have been in a Mr. Hyde mood all day. We’ll see if this changes tomorrow.