Finally SOME progress

I met with the rounding doc today. He changed my pain meds so I get two pills instead of one. I can now breathe a sigh of relief.

I had a good check on with my contact person. We talked about my book and how suicide is so ingrained in my life. It fascinates me. She also gave me a new innovated therapy that might help me. I agreed to look it up.

As far as she can tell, there is no set discharge date for me. The means I am going to be here a while. I wrote down some goals for the case manager for Monday. I was going to write my will and good bye letters but my contact person said to hold off on that for now. So now I have nothing to do. I just finished writing a letter to my therapist about the day’s events. I took a shower even though it killed me to do so. My foot HATES me right now. But I took my night meds so the only reason I would have to get out of bed is to shut the lights or go to the bathroom. I am glad the day is done. It has been a restless day because I wasn’t sure if the rounder would change the orders. It was nerve racking and the doc kept on saying that I had bipolar I disorder, like I didn’t know my diagnosis. I don’t think I have true bipolar but if you ate going to be technical, I guess I do have it. I just wish the highs came around more often than every few years.

I really don’t like the term bipolar. I like manic depressive illness better but that is now an archaic term. I’d like to think that I have major depressive illness but because I have had more than one hypomanic episodes, I am bipolar. I feel that is not good as being bipolar has a slightly higher suicide rate than major depression.

I talked to my mother today and we did nothing but argue. She ended the conversation with don’t call me until I am coming home. It was so infuriating. So I am done calling her. I don’t care anymore, I have enough on my plate.

I keep thinking about suicide and how I would do it when I get out of here. I emailed my pdoc to see if she would be ok with me being discharged while she was still on vacation. I haven’t heard back from her yet. I don’t think I will actually kill myself but I just want to get out of here. I just want to be free and in my own bed again. I doubt this place will help me anyways.