Champagne problems
I am sharing this blog because it is so good and about coming out
https://www.coldantlerfarmny.com/post/it-s-fearless
I was up again in the middle of the night but it was productive as I wrote part of my book for the first time since Feb. I was reading the Choosing to Live book and got inspired to write. I started writing about how my surgery took so long and then things got side tracked. I wasn’t and still am not sure if I should include my suicide attempt from last fall. It was because I was misgendered a lot at home and frustrated with my medical conditions.
Yesterday because it was pretty warm out, I was topless all day. It felt good. But I need to contact my surgeon’s team because the right side of my chest is swollen. It is hard and hurts when I press on it. Every time I passed my mother’s smiling picture, I stood in front of it so she could see me. I honestly don’t know what she would say. The week I had surgery was when she was out of things and was really lethargic. I don’t think she saw me in the vest with the drains. I was kind of out of it with being in pain and not really sleeping well. I kept listening for her when I woke up in the middle of the night. I would check on her when I got up to use the bathroom. My sister was with her mostly the week before she died. We were giving her round the clock care to try and keep the fluid from choking her.
I have been having flashback kind of memories of her today. Tomorrow will be eight weeks since she died. I have therapy tomorrow. I have some stuff I wish to discuss with her from the book I was reading in the middle of the night. One of the quotes from the book I am going to share with her is this one, “psychological and behavioral change, on the other hand, require commitment and motivation rooted in a strong belief that change is needed and will be beneficial.” I don’t have a strong belief I change. I figure things out in the moment things are happening. This might be texting a friend, listening to music, seeking my online friends for support, posting to my social media, writing, reading, distraction. Most times it is night time when things are rough and I am overwhelmed with feelings. I do one of the things or all of the things to try and get away with it or I just sit with it. This happens when I am overwhelmed with pain. Right now my pain hasn’t been above an 8 on a 1-10 scale. But I know that if it continues to be untreated it could get worse.
I have been really sad most of the day. My grief has been so bad today. I miss my mother so much despite me trying not to think about her. But the memories…they force me to think of her. Mostly the memories have been the last few weeks of her life.
Tonight is game 7 of the basketball finals of the Celtics. I don’t have cable anymore so I can’t watch the game. But as long as I am up, I will be checking the score even though I know it will just come down to the final minutes of the game in the fourth quarter. Let’s go Cs!!
midnightdemons7 