Feeling vulnerable and other stuff
I was up till dawn again. I had woken up to pee and then I was in pain which made it difficult to sleep. I didn’t want to get up when the med alarm went off. I stayed in bed longer than I should have but I got up and had a couple cups of coffee. I left the house around 1145 to catch the bus. My pass worked on the bus but for some reason, didn’t work at the train station. I thought that was odd but didn’t think much about it. I went on my way to see my pcp.
I was a little early for the appointment and the medical assistant wasn’t back from lunch so I had the RN take my vitals. My pcp is really nice and made me feel at ease talking to her. We discussed my pain and how I was doing and stuff. She was respectful and agreed to put back on pain meds for the time being. While talking to her, I told her about my grief and how disruptive it is becoming. I am not eating regularly or taking care of myself. She wants me to drink more even if I am not eating. I told her I felt like I needed to be back in the hospital but because of PT, I am holding off on it. She said PT will always be there and wants me to reach out to the office if I am feeling really bad. I felt really vulnerable. She said she would contact my psych team to let them know what we had talked about so we were all on the same page. She said she would give only small quantities of pain meds for me. I was grateful. She wants to see me in a couple of weeks to see how I am doing.
Since leaving the office, I have been feeling really down. I had to get home quickly as I had the bereavement group to go to. It went well for the first meeting. I am glad it is time limited. I couldn’t imagine being in this group for longer than that. It seems like a cool group to be in. I feel sad for the members who have lost significant people in their lives. I told them I was trans and how things were with my mother. I almost started crying. Just so many feelings.
I keep thinking I see my therapist on Mon but it is really Tues. She is in the office but I will still see her virtually. I came home and I was so fricken tired. I ate some stuff. My sister made eggplant which I was just thinking about the other day. I am glad she made it. Then I had some spinach with ranch dressing. It was good. I was still hungry. My other sister made some pasta with broccoli and I had some. I just took an Ensure with my night meds.
My disability pass has been canceled since I have been issued a new one but the problem is, I haven’t received the new one yet. So I will probably have to use the taxi vouchers to get to my appointments and to pick up my prescriptions. My pain med was called in but my insurance has to approve it. I hate this bullshit. I have no idea if they need a prior authorization or more information from my pcp. Or they are just fucking with me because it is an opioid medication.
My chest feels stiff. I have been trying to move my arm to get the scar tissue out but it has been difficult. The stuff just doesn’t want to budge. I hope in time it will be easier. I hope I don’t have to go to PT for it because I am sick of going to PT.
midnightdemons7 