Saturday Blog 10062023

Saturday Blog 10062023

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I tried going back to sleep but I was just staring at the ceiling. I decided to do some reading and it was a long chapter so I stopped a little after 0400 to try and go back to sleep. I fell asleep and dreamt about Taylor Swift being in Boston. We were hanging out in Copley Square until she had to do a show. Then I dreamt I was at Fenway Park playing shortstop for some kids. Totally weird.

I got up around 1130. I really didn’t want to go out today but I was out of half and half and I need that for my coffee. I also had to get my prescriptions. I left after I made a bacon sandwich and had a cup of coffee. I had waited at the bus stop for about five minutes before the skies opened up. Tstorms and downpours flooded the streets. I was glad it stopped by the time I got to the grocery store. I ordered a mocha as I needed caffeine. One cup of coffee wasn’t going to do it. I had four shots of espresso in the mocha. It was good. I went to the pharmacy and there was a problem with my pain meds. They were charging me for it as my insurance rejected it. I called the insurance and soon as I got back home, the matter was cleared up. I made a burger and then went back as tomorrow the bus line is being detoured all day.

I am fricken exhausted. I got into an argument with my sister. She is always complaining about the dishes but never does them nor empties/fills the dishwasher. I told her either do them or shut up about it. She called me an asshole and a slob. Fucking bitch. Then her son says to just do them and clean up after yourselves meanwhile he leaves ramen noodles in the damn sink. Yeah ok nephew. I am so stressed out. I am always either filling the dishwasher or emptying it. Guess my family thinks a fairy does it. I am so tired.

I really feel like I need to be in the hospital. I am going to try and talk about it with my therapist on Tues. I think being away for a little bit might help me. I am often alone at home and it gets to me. The house just feels so empty without my mother. Last night, I read a thread on Twitter about how an MD snuck wine in the hospital for her patient who was dying of liver disease. It brought back memories of a night where my mother had a glass of wine and then wanted another one. She was already starting to be out of sorts. I was watching her that night and helped her with the second glass. She fell asleep on the couch without even drinking it. I made her go to bed. I gave her her meds and stuff. I don’t think she was alive for much longer. Maybe a week or so later she died? Days just blended in with her. It was hard watching her deteriorate. I loved and hated her so much. It was hard to care for her at times, especially when she was in pain but wouldn’t take anything for it. She was so stubborn. I really miss her. A lot.