Birds started chirping at 0305
I can’t sleep. I tried falling asleep after the game but all I did was toss and turn. I gave up around 130 because I had to go pee. I read for a bit. I finished the chapter on CBT with dealing with suicidal thoughts. It is all stuff I have learned before. Feelingsàthoughtsàacts (behaviors). It goes around in a triangle. It is the core part of CBT.
I looked up some stretches to do as my chest is tight. I don’t know what to do about my arm that feels dead at times. I can lift stuff but the endurance isn’t there like it was before. I am really tired of being up half the night. I wrote in my journal about my pcp appointment and how my therapist thinks I will be sad for a while because I am grieving. It really sucks being sad all the time. It kind of leads to depression but I try to get out of it when I feel it getting worse. I usually distract myself or do something like pick up my recycle and put it in the bag.
I finally brought up the fig bars I bought. I like to eat them when I am up as I usually get hungry around 0400. I wish I was seeing my therapist tomorrow but I am not. She didn’t have times that worked for me because I have PT. I see her Tues. I might text her to let her know that I am thinking of the hospital again. I don’t know if I need to be in there. I think it might help me because there is just something about being on a locked unit. I don’t know what it is but I feel really safe from myself and the pressure of taking care of myself is off. I don’t have to worry about my meds or meals or showering. I get some routine and that is what I need sometimes to reset myself.
It’s a little after 0400. I am so tired. I don’t know if I am going to sleep or not. I am not doing anything today because I did so much yesterday. I am exhausted. I am so drained. It is so hard when I feel so sad and it alternates with feeling depressed. It just this heaviness on me.
midnightdemons7 