having a hard time with grief

Having a hard time with grief

I woke up late. I was up in the middle of the night again because I couldn’t sleep. The stupid birds were chirping so fucking loud. I read for a bit. Then I turned in a little after 0300. When I got up, the house was empty in more ways than one. No one was home. Didn’t help that before I got up, I had a dream about my mother. Every day there is some reminder of her. My sister just got her picture a new frame. I see it every time I head upstairs to my room.

I am not comfortable in my new body. I have a huge stomach and it is giving me all the dysmorphia feels. I keep wanting to bring this to my therapist’s attention but I keep forgetting. I ate today and I feel guilty about it. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to eat lately. I think I might have an eating disorder or something. I just want to starve myself. I feel better when I don’t eat.

I had made an iced coffee when I came home from PT. She killed my calf muscle. She found a huge knot and it hurt so much. She said I need to do calf stretches. I am bad at them because sometimes it leads to Charlie horses and those aren’t fun. I got two balls, a tennis ball and a little bouncy ball to work on my foot. I got to remember to take them to the kitchen with me when I have my coffee. I keep forgetting them.

I brushed my teeth today before I left the house. I am going to have to borrow money from my sister or brother in law because my tpass funds are low. I won’t be able to get around if I don’t have my tpass. I do have taxi vouchers that I haven’t used yet.

I am having nerve pain in my chest and I feel like I need to cry but the tears won’t come. I have never been an easy cryer. It takes a lot for me to cry. I have to feel strong emotions to cry. Grief is killing me. I tried taking a nap because I was very tired after PT but I didn’t sleep. It’s also hot in my room. I am topless again. I find that helps a little with the nerve pain as the shirt isn’t irritating me.