suicidology and stuff

Suicidology and stuff

Today I met up with a writer from DC who is writing a book about suicide. He was involved in a research study I participated in a few years ago. I told him about my year and it wasn’t good. I had given him my journals the last time we met and unfortunately, we didn’t have time to talk about them. It was interesting because I was thinking about the time I was in the hospital once I came out of the catatonic state I was in and thinking about my future. It didn’t look really good as I was still suicidal after the suicide attempt. But now that I have had top surgery and my mother has passed, which is both a blessing and a curse, I think things will be ok enough for me to live. I hope so anyway.

Talking about the suicide research and about lived experience really helped get me out of the rut I was in. I have the third edition of CAMS, waiting to be read. I might go to Starbucks tomorrow and read for a bit. I have no plans tomorrow or Friday. Thurs I am to meet with my psychiatrist. My sleep has been terrible the past two days. I have gone back to my sleep for a few hours, stay up for a few hours, and then sleep for a few more hours. The drawback is I am tired all the time. I showered today and went out to see my friend. I came home and exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. Then brain fog settled in and I am fighting for words.

I had some idea of what to write for my blog today and it all escaped me soon as I sat down to type. I feel really frustrated. Sox are playing another late night game. I think I am going to do the same thing as last night and just keep checking the MLB app for score updates. I am so tired, I probably am not going to last all 9 innings. I tried last night and laid down a half hour before start time only to fall asleep and wake up at 2330. Game was over by the time I checked the score again around 0100. We lost. I am very upset that I tried to stay up to watch only for them to implode on themselves. I want to see them make it to the playoffs but at this rate, it isn’t going to happen. Season ends in two months.

I picked up my meds. My pcp will be calling in my pain meds. I had to have a discussion with the nurse about it. I feel like sometimes they don’t believe me. My pcp was under the impression the gabapentin was enough right now. I said I don’t have anymore meds and pain has been bad since I have been doing stairs again. The pain has no predictable course. It just flares up whenever, mostly at night. My headache is back. I am very tired but I don’t know if I will be able to sleep. It is early, only 2000. I was hoping to do some reading tonight but it is unlikely with this headache. I had to stop listening to Taylor because it was too much for my brain.