up early

Up early

I woke up around 2am and had a difficult time getting back to sleep so around 4, I gave up. I wrote some stuff in my memoir that I wanted to write. I think I wrote close to three pages. I don’t know what else I am to write as I covered everything. I am tired now and want to go back to sleep but I know if I do, I will feel like shit. Today is T shot day so I took my shot early. I have therapy today. I sent her a message the other day about how I want to try EMDR to see if it will help me. I don’t know if it has to be in person or we can do it virtually. I forgot to ask but will today. I know we talked about it before and she said she has done it virtually.  I am kind of skeptical about it but I am really coming down to the last resorts of things.

After therapy, I plan on going to the Square and getting some Starbucks. I want to try and read Managing Suicide Risk as there is a webinar next week. I don’t think I can read the whole thing in a week with my energy levels being low to nonexistent most of the time. I am going to have to really push myself if I want to get this done. There is some new information that I want to share with my therapist that I think is important, even though right now I am not suicidal.

Today’s writing prompt is kind of hard. It asks where you have gone the farthest and to tell a story about it. I am not good in writing stories. It’s hard to be a story teller. I also would have a difficult time deciding if it was Barcelona or Omaha, Nebraska to write about. I could possibly tell a story about Barcelona. It was a fun time even though we were there for just a weekend. The sad part is, I ended up getting pneumonia because I sat and slept the whole ride home on the plane. I was sick for a month afterwards. It was not good. I was running fevers and got delusional.

I am tired but I am going to make coffee soon. I might make some eggs, too. I am craving eggs with cheese on it. I might make a sandwich out of it but I am not sure if I want a burrito or toast. I will decide when I get downstairs. Yesterday, all I had was some rice. I really didn’t want anything else.

I have no idea what else to write on my memoir. I guess I can write about the care I get at the doctors. I’ve been lucky that this state is accepting and provides gender affirming care. There was a primary care practice where I didn’t receive good care. I ended up leaving it. I am glad I did because the doctor and I didn’t get along.

A person for the bereavement group sent an email out saying her mother was in hospice and doesn’t have that much longer to live. I feel so bad. She just lost her father and now her mother. That is really tough. I wish there was something more I could do for her.

Therapy went ok. We talked about being hypervigilant and how it is that I get stuck in it. She kept saying what do I feel and when I described it, she said that was cognition not feeling. But that is how it is when I am hypervigilant, I start overthinking stuff and get hyped up. I rarely can sleep. It takes a long while to calm down once I get aroused. She thinks EMDR will help. She wanted to know why I am choosing this and I said I haven’t tried it so worth a shot. She said I needed to have other coping skills as that is what is needed. I told her I would look it up on the DBT app that I have for distress tolerance things.

After therapy, I planned on going to the Square to sit at Starbucks to read and then pick up my meds. I had to get money out of my account so I had to go to the bank that was in the next town. It was easier to get to than going to the one that I had to walk to. It was quite a warm day and I didn’t feel like walking there so went to another location. The guy at the bank had to make a few phone calls to get my account on my debit card. Once he knew how to add my account, I was good to go. My sister texted me asking if I wanted a burger and I said yes. It was getting late so I decided to just get another coffee and then pick up my meds. If I was up, I would just read in my room. This might turn on the gears in my head, preventing me from sleeping, especially as this is what I am going to a webinar for. I will jot down questions I have if they come up. I have a few days to sort of read through this book. I don’t think I am going to get through even half of it by next Tues. I have been focusing on finishing the other suicidology book I have been reading. I am only three chapters away from finishing it. I plan on writing a review for it. I have been making notes and writing my thoughts after I finish a chapter. I can’t believe I am almost done with it as it was really hard to get into at first.

I came home and my sister was still “at work”. She was working from home but still had some stuff to do so I made the burgers. They came out ok. It was a little dry so I had to remind myself to take small bites. My room was hot when I came upstairs as I shut the AC off while I was out. I got a little bit of a tan while I was waiting for the bus. I shaved so I wouldn’t have to while I am gone. I will be spending the night in Connecticut tomorrow night so I can see Sara Evans. It is my first time seeing her in concert. I love her music so I am sure it is going to be good. I hope I win something at the casino. I am bringing just $40 with me so I hope I win something. It has been a long time since I played there. I don’t remember the last time I was there it has been so long. I packed my bag and a book. I am also bringing a mask because people are gross. I hope I sleep tonight. My sister wants to leave around 11 tomorrow. I just hope I have at least two cups of coffee before we go.