attempting to put into words my thoughts

Attempting to put into words my thoughts

I woke up around 1am and found it extremely hard to go back to sleep. I laid in bed. I took an Ativan. I didn’t feel like reading. I stayed up till at least 4 or 5 and then I fell back to sleep. I woke up again a few minutes before my med alarm as I had to pee. My phone was going off all morning. I had a shit ton of messages but I didn’t care to look at them. After I peed, I just went back to sleep. I didn’t really wake up until my sister knocked on my door asking if I printed out something for her. I told her my printer was broken. I still haven’t tried to fix it yet. I am hoping blowing out some of the toner will help but I am not sure.

I had a cup of coffee and then I made some ramen noodles for lunch. It was spicy and I liked it. It cleared out my sinuses. I brushed my teeth and shaved. I took off my goatee as the hairs on my chin were patchy. I am getting more growth there. One of the phone calls this morning was for my eye appointment for Mon. they said the copay was going to be $70 and I don’t get paid till Wed so I canceled it. I called back to reschedule and they didn’t have any openings till Dec. I need to get my eye looked at because it is irritated. I called the one west of Boston where I went earlier this year and they have an opening the week after Thanksgiving. They said the copay will be between $60-100. Fuck.

I am not sure how I feel today. I don’t have the motivation to shower as shaving caused some back cramps. I need to go to the pharmacy to get my meds. It’s nice out even though it is getting dark now. I will go tomorrow. I need to go to the Square anyways. I feel grumpy. My eye keeps becoming irritated and it makes it hard to read or to concentrate. I have been using drops but they don’t seem to be effective anymore. I think something more is going on with it. It might be allergies or something else. I don’t know. I hate that my copay is so fucking high.

I am really struggling with writing this week. My thoughts just don’t seem important to write down. I haven’t touched my book or the suicidality document. I just feel empty and devoid of things. My mojo seems to be in a slumber or something. I don’t know. Maybe it will come back to me eventually.