Saturday Blog 02122023

Saturday Blog 02122023

I’ve been up since 0630. I woke up to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep even though I tried. I gave up around 0930 and had coffee. I thought about making pizza but it was too early. I had two cups of coffee and by then I decided to make pizza. I don’t know if my tooth was already starting to crumble but the crust broke one of my teeth further so now I have a sharp edge on both sides of my tongue on my lower jaw. Fucking fuck. Some pizza got stuck in my tooth where it was broken and then fell apart when I tried to get it out. I am so fucking frustrated. I just want the teeth gone at this point. I don’t think I can save them. I had sent messages to the two dental schools in the area but I haven’t heard back. I also have to call on Mon the dental office at the hospital I go to to see if they received my images so I can make an appointment for my teeth to be extracted. I just sipped some water and I swear it was like drinking alcohol. It stung and now my tooth hurts because it was cold water. My room is cold so makes my drinks cold as well.

I don’t remember where I left off with the therapy saga but I texted my therapist saying that if we are ended to kindly send me a referral to someone else. She responded that she hasn’t given up, which would have fucking been nice to know at the beginning of the session rather than opening with that she was in supervision about me. I don’t really want to see her again but I made an appointment with her for Mon. It’s in the morning and I already set two alarms to get up so I can at least have one cup of coffee. I am going to need it as I am not a morning person.

I was clearing off my bed yesterday to change my sheets and found a piece of mail that was thicker than it usually is. I opened it and it was a notice saying that I will be double billed for the month of Dec for Dec and Jan premium for my health insurance. This on top of my checking account already being overdrawn sent me into a fucking meltdown. I texted my sister who then called me. She said she would give me some money for my birthday and I told her no. She already has done so much for me this year financially that I don’t want to take anymore money from her. I still owe her $40. I was planning on getting someone a gift the Yankee swap but I just can’t afford it. I have a birthday party tonight and will have just $30 left for the month. I will need to get more half and half eventually and it isn’t cheap anymore. Nothing is. I am fucking flustered and with still not knowing about college expenses and wanting to get my book done next year, I am just a nervous wreck. I still need to write at least 20 or so pages. I also need to somehow come up with $500 for the editor. Fuck.

Last night I read the suicidality piece I have been working on and I think it is some good writing. I just don’t know what the fuck to do with it. Sure I can post it on my blog but my reader traffic hasn’t been good lately and this is too important to me. I could put it in the book as I wrote about how the suicidality and being trans is intertwined. I would have to make some changes to the document to make it fit in. I hate doing it because of the formatting involved. I am still waiting for a therapist friend to give me feedback on it. Then I will decide what to do with it. For now it will sit in my phone and thumb drive as is until then.