Coffee at midnight
I slept from 8pm till around 130am and then it was such a bitch to get back to sleep. I used the bathroom and then just laid in bed. I managed to sleep for about a couple hours but then woke up from a dream with my mother in it. I woke up with a damn headache and omg did it hurt. The headaches are becoming less but when they hit, they hurt. I just laid in bed and then when my sister got up, I couldn’t go back to sleep. My brain was awake. I didn’t get up though until around 930. I made a cup of coffee and then took it to my room. I booted up the laptop. It didn’t load right away. I had to control, alt, delete to get to the login screen. Ugh.
I logged in to the patient website and was thankful there wasn’t questionnaires. I wasn’t in the mood for them. Therapist was a little late. I wanted to log off but didn’t. I had no idea what to talk about. Therapist wasn’t going to start the conversation. I asked if this supervision was because of me not having clear goals or just in general. She said it was in general. I felt better about it but it would have been nice if she told me she wasn’t giving up during the session. Fuck. I spent a week trying to think if I needed therapy and what to do and all that. I told her I would try to use skills when needed but it would be just that. Then she asked/told me I was in control of my life and I was like, I am? Like it never occurred to me. It made me feel a little bit less helpless. She asked if I wanted to see her again this week and I agreed. So I will be seeing her again on Thurs.
I brushed my teeth after I used the bathroom. I didn’t shave my head. I need to do this sometime today. I made another cup of coffee. I still have brain fog. My new broken tooth feels a little better after I brushed. It still hurts to drink and eat. My tongue is so sore. I had my third cup of coffee with lunch. It is weird that I have taken drinking coffee with my meals. I just love drinking it. Something comforting in it like a cup of good tea.
The top of my head feels all pins and needles so I am probably getting a migraine. I have been in a brain fog for most of the day. I just took my migraine med for it. Other than therapy, I have no other commitments this week. I am going to try and go to Starbucks tomorrow to read some of Managing Suicidal Risk. It isn’t a big book and if I read at least a chapter a day, I should be able to work through it but I keep getting distracted. I hope when college starts, I don’t feel the same way. I plan on hopefully getting the textbook for class next pay period, if my insurance payment isn’t ridiculous. I honestly don’t know how much it will be until I get the invoice. According to my calculations, next year’s insurance will be lower than what I am paying now but it’s a new insurance. I hope it covers all the things I am used to. I don’t see any specialists other than my neuro and psychiatrist. I mostly see my pcp for everything else, including my cardiac issues. I see her the end of the month when I am back from holidays. I really don’t want to leave the house but I also don’t want to be alone either. I will bring some books with me. I don’t know if I will be sharing a room or not. I hope not.
midnightdemons7 