black dog

Black dog

I have been in the abyss the past few days. I feel so depressed and useless. Today I woke up sweating as I was wrapped up in my blanket. I then spent three hours in my hot kitchen, sweating as I made something to eat. I made oatmeal pancakes but forgot sugar and we didn’t have syrup. They were ok but bland. I also forgot oil so they were dry. I made three but only ate one. I had three cups of coffee. I came to my room to cool off. I felt faint. I took my blood pressure but it is high not low. My heart rate is in the 70s so that is good. I was having palpitations during the night and it was in the 100s. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up to pee and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I got up around 330 to read for a bit. I read for an hour and then tried to go back to sleep.

The bookstore I tried to have an event at turned me down. I can rent a space for a private event though. I need to go get my meds today. I am so damn tired though and it is hotter than it was when I first got up. I am tired and don’t feel like going out. I haven’t left the house since Thurs. I need a shower as I feel pretty gross. I think cold water on my head will feel good. I think I shaved yesterday so I don’t have to again till tomorrow or Wed. My head is dry and itchy. I asked my cousin, who is a hairdresser, if I could put lotion on and she said I can. I have been using a moisturizing body wash for my head.

I hate feeling so ill. My blood pressure is high so I guess that is better than being low. I am listening to Black Dog by Taylor Swift on her Tortured Poets album. I had bought the album on her website for this song and then the anthology came out the day she released it so I paid for two albums. I don’t care. I love her music and would and have bought all her songs.

I am making progress on my library book. I really love reading about how the Civil War affected Boston’s Black community. Just shitty they were outsourced by Irish immigrants and other whites. Just sad. I hope to finish the book this week and then I can start reading Principles of Psychology by William James. It is another huge book. I hope to finish it in a month but it might take me longer than that. I don’t know when I will restart Managing Suicide Risk. I have wide open days that I don’t know what to do with myself.