crashing down

Crashing down

I woke up a little before 7 to pee. I took my meds and I should have stayed up but I went back to sleep and now I feel like shit. I tried to work on my Italian but I have no clue what the fuck I am doing. I have to look at the book for answers. I had my two cups of coffee but haven’t eaten anything. I ordered a pizza.

I am feeling more and more of not really knowing what I am feeling. I just know I am depressed and don’t feel joy. My friend called the not knowing Alexithymia and I know I have anhedonia. There was a book published on anhedonia either the end of last year or this year. I can’t remember but it was expensive. I think I got the PDF version of it but I don’t remember if I have it on my phone or laptop. One of these days I will read it.

My sister tried giving me a guilt trip last night by saying I don’t do shit around the house. So while I was drinking coffee I emptied the dishwasher and loaded it. I had the energy to do it. It’s rare but it does happen. She doesn’t understand it. My other sister wonders where I have been. I haven’t really talked to her since she scolded me the last we had coffee. I don’t want to hear it from both of my sisters that I don’t do anything around the house. I just feel like that is double teaming and I won’t stand for it. So I just been in my room more. Fuck them.

I need to shower today but I am not feeling it. I sweat a lot last night. I was fucking freezing and then got really hot. My shirt was damp when I went pee. I hate when my shirt gets wet. I end up really stinking.

I have been fricken sneezing most of the day today. Pollen is up. I am taking the allegra twice a day. I did it to see if it made a difference. It has slightly. I am not sneezing so much in the middle of the night anymore. Hope the pollen isn’t horrendous this season. I hate spring. All I do is sneeze.