classes canceled

Class canceled

Both my classes today were canceled so I didn’t leave the house except for a little walk I took to meet someone and it was for nothing. I came back to my house as I walked up the little hill very out of breath. I had to sit on my porch for a few minutes to catch it before going up the stairs. I have pulmonary tests next week. This is going to be fun because I have to go from one end of the hospital to the other and it is quite a walk. I know there are benches for me to rest before getting to the building I need to go to.

I made an appt yesterday for bottom surgery consult. My referral is in. I was looking at what the procedure entails and it isn’t like what I see on the porn sites. I guess I will have to talk to the surgeon about what I want, which is just a clitoral release so it is more up than down. I don’t want phallo, just meta.

I have done nothing in three days. No reading or school work, barely getting out of bed, barely eating. I am just surviving on coffee and powerade. I just feel really blah. I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. She wants me to write down what is going on when I have the suicidal thoughts, to be more aware of what is going on. She asked if I had a plan and I didn’t answer and she didn’t press me on it. I really don’t want to talk about my plan with anyone. I’ve been playing around with dates. I might wait until I know if I get financial aid first. I just don’t know when that will be. I was told it was in June but not given a date. I have no idea if I will have to do the SAP thing again. I am just struggling right now just to deal with every day stuff. I need to shower and brush my teeth. I also need to schedule a cleaning of my teeth. I just don’t want to go to the place I was going because they just yell at me and don’t do anything except tell me I need expensive procedures. I need to find another place.

I woke up like three times during the night because I was having dreams of my mother. Each time, I woke up with a headache. I think around 5, I took a migraine pill. When I got up around 11, I still had a headache but it went away. Now it is back again. I just took some Tylenol. My sister has been eating my ibuprofen bottle like it was candy. I need to get more. Part of the reason I didn’t go to the square today was because it was so fucking bright out it was hurting my head.

My niece got a puppy and I am in love. She is so cute and tame. She also gets excited when she sees me which I love. I found her sweet spot to rub. I am not really a dog person but I am becoming one.