Disgusted at myself
I went to bed after the Sox game finished. I think I slept for a little bit and then I woke up because I had to pee. The puppy was up so I petted her for a little bit and then she went back into her crate. I went back up to my room and I was done trying to sleep. I read for a bit. I read a few chapters of Definition of Suicide. I forgot how verbose Shneidman is. He also uses big words so I got to use a dictionary sometimes when reading the book.
After I read, I tried to go to sleep as it was 4 or 5 am. Eventually I drifted off and was in the middle of a dream when my med alarm woke me up. I turned it off and went back to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later to pee. I wanted to go out and pick up my order I placed but I fell back to sleep and this time I didn’t get up till 4pm. I have no idea what time I took my meds. I took my T after I had something to eat.
The puppy was home all the time I was sleeping. If I had known, I might have gotten up to watch her. She took two dumps and peed under the kitchen table again. I am feeling frustrated about things right now, not about the puppy. I keep thinking about ending it. I was thinking about it last night and then I thought about how my sister would react if I survived. It wouldn’t go well. I could picture us arguing over where I got the pills and where they were stashed. I wish I could just order some arsenic sometimes and die that way.
I got therapy tomorrow and I am seeing my psychiatrist. I am going to try and leave in the morning and make a quick trip to Starbucks and the store to pick up my order. I also need to get a birthday card for my cousin. I am seeing her this weekend with my other cousins. She is the one that just got diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 1. I think they got it all and she just needs radiation to make sure it doesn’t come back. She lives south of Boston, near the border of Rhode Island. I plan on giving them my book as I never got to mail it to them.
I am so tired. But I don’t think I am going to go to sleep anytime soon. I am too restless. I hate when I am tired and feel restless at the same time. It was much cooler today. I shut off the AC for the first time in a week. I think the temp is going to be the same tomorrow, too. I hope it will be in the morning. I just want to get dressed, brush my teeth, and go out the door. I’ll get my caffeine fix and breakfast at Starbucks. I might get a refresher as a treat if I do go. They have a yummy summer berry lemonade that is so good. Then I will be able to be home for therapy and seeing my psych. It has been more than a month since I seen my therapist. I hope we will be able to work on the suicidal stuff. We’ll see tomorrow how it goes.
midnightdemons7 