Sometimes to run is the brave thing
I am sorry I haven’t written the past few days. I haven’t been sleeping well and been going to bed at odd hours. I also have been really depressed and can’t collect my thoughts. I had therapy yesterday and it was hard. We talked about my suicidality most of session. I felt really vulnerable as I talked about how much I wanted to die just because I couldn’t transition. It really wasn’t until my father died that I started to transition in 2017, almost a year after his death. I was still fearful of my mother’s response. I think if I wasn’t living with her, it probably would have been easier to come out. I also worried about my sisters reaction to me being their brother. They still seem to have an issue as they call me sibling. And my bitchy sister will use the wrong pronouns when she is mad at me. Even though I am fully transitioned now, I still don’t feel the “joy” of it.
I have been up since 2am. I woke up to pee and couldn’t fall back to sleep for the life of me. I had my sound machine on so it disrupted my brain but there was noise in my room, either the wind was blowing or the heat came on. It was also cold in my room. I had to use an extra blanket the past few days due to the storm. It got down to like 56 degrees in my room because of the wind. Today it is much warmer.
I had my appt with the gallbladder surgeon this morning. He recommends that my gallbladder be taken out as it is causing me problems with the stones. It doesn’t have to be urgent. I can wait till after the semester like I was hoping to. It will be the end of May/June that it will be done. Recovery is as I expect it to be. I will be in pain for a few days after surgery and then I should be able to do things slowly. The first two weeks will be limited activity. I just hope the weather isn’t too hot.
The storm caused classes to be canceled two days in a row. There is supposed to be more snow tomorrow but it shouldn’t be anything to what we got. I just hope I don’t have to be in it. I don’t know when it is supposed to start. I have been bad at reading my book and studying. I am hoping the teacher postpones the exam another day.
My therapist offered me another session this week because of the heavy stuff we talked about yesterday. I think it will be good. I am tired. I haven’t eaten anything yet and it is 430pm. I did order a frozen dinner that has just been delivered. I had to order more Powerade as I was out. Tomorrow I am hoping to get my meds as I am almost out of them. I should have gotten them on Saturday.
midnightdemons7 