Author: Midnight Demon

Tired and cranky

I had weird dreams last night. I don’t know why I keep dreaming of being on a psych ward but I do. My med alarm went off and I didn’t get up. I stayed in bed till after noon then got up. I didn’t feel like getting up before noon. I had my coffee and a yogurt. Then I had some pepperoni and crackers.

I went back up to my room to read. I read about a page and then I was inundated with texts. My niece wanted me to unlock the door for her ex to let the dog in. So I went downstairs and unlocked the door. Someone came home and locked it so by the time he showed his ass, it was locked and I had to go downstairs again to open it. I was tired going up and down the stairs. I opened the door and he wasn’t there. Fucking jerk. Probably off smoking pot.

I went back to my room but I couldn’t concentrate on the reading. I will get back to it later. I need to shower. I think I will do that before bed. Tomorrow my sister is going to take me to the grocery store. I am not sure what I am going to get for $20. I need half and half. Maybe another thing of yogurt as I had the last one. I want to get another chicken pot pie soup as that was so good. I also need to get squash for Thursday. I think I am going to get the frozen kind if they have it.

I got a headache. I took some Excedrin and that helped. I have been trying to increase my fluids. My blood pressure is still on the high side. I am keeping track of it. I called to see if the weight loss drug would be ready but they haven’t received the prior auth from my pcp’s office. I know they are short right now so I am going to wait till Monday to ask the status. I don’t know why I need another prior authorization because they approved it already.

I had some soup for dinner. I thought it was the chicken pot pie one but it wasn’t and I was disappointed. It was still good as it had dumplings in it. It was filling. It is definitely soup season with the temps being in the 30s. I haven’t really left my house since Tues. Every since they closed my Starbucks, I haven’t found a reason to leave unless I have to pick up my meds. Mon I will probably have to leave the house to do so because my migraine med should be ready. I get paid Mon. I am hoping I have enough to get the migraine med and weight loss drug. Each cost $40. I hope I don’t have to pay more next year.

Feel like shit

I slept most of the day yesterday and half the day today. I just felt like shit. I got up to have my coffee and breakfast. The puppy was here so I petted her. She was interested in my breakfast but lost interest.

I shaved after my coffee and brushed my teeth. I wanted to shower but didn’t. I will tomorrow. I went up to my room and took my textbook out. I have a lot of reading to do. I read half a chapter and then I had to stop as I was getting sleepy. I made something to eat.

I was still full from lunch so really didn’t have supper. Going to try and read some more to finish the chapter. I think there are like 10 pages left. I can’t believe there is just three weeks left in the semester.

I feel depressed. I want to act on my suicidal tendencies. I feel like suicide is a disease even though it’s not. I am so tired of fighting it all the time. It gets exhausting. I wish every night that I don’t wake up in the morning. The depression is bad. They say you have to want change in order for therapy to work. What am I supposed to change? I want to die. I hate living. I don’t even know why anymore. Used to be because I was in a lot of mental pain, a lot of psychache. I feel useless. Just feel like a failure.

Things I didn’t do today

I slept for most of the day so I didn’t do anything. I feel pretty well rested. I did get up around noon to have coffee and breakfast. I made sliders for supper. I have been trying to drink but it is slow going.

I didn’t do any school work. I am taking the day off from my studies. I didn’t go to the grocery store. I just couldn’t get out of bed today. The puppy was home. She took a dump upstairs when I was eating breakfast. Her daddy never cleaned up the mess and I am so mad at him.

My blood pressure is still high, though not too high. I got to remember to take it. I don’t need to take it every day but do need to take it every other day or so. I also need to write down the readings.

I didn’t brush my teeth yet. I probably will before bed. Tomorrow I will need to shave again. My beard feels like sandpaper. I wish I could get my face smooth but it’s so hard. My beard never stops growing.

Tomorrow I will go back to doing school work. I am not going to do anything today but rest. I think I’ve earned it.

Fucking exhausted

I slept for about four hours and then woke up around 2am and been up since then. I turned in my paper. It was short and I didn’t care. Then I read the rubric that the professor posted and it will be a miracle if I get a C minimum on it. I woke up and realized I didn’t write a conclusion so I am going to be taken points off that. I wanted to write an email to the professor and cry but I didn’t.

I went to what I thought would be a nursing appt ended up being a meeting with the NP. My blood pressure was high. She asked what I was running at home and I told her I haven’t been taking it the last few days so I am not sure. She said to write it down and in two weeks we’ll check it again. We went up on one of my blood pressure meds. The hope is to restart the other one in two weeks, slowly. I can also restart the weight loss drug. She sent it in but it needs a prior authorization. No matter as I can’t afford it now anyways. It will have wait till next week when I get paid.

Fuck, my niece’s ex is smoking pot on the back porch and I can smell it. I hate the smell of pot. I am so fucking cranky. But the puppy is home. I missed her. I really could have used her as pet therapy yesterday. I was so stressed out.

I did all that needed to be turned in for today. Now I just got to read and read till my eyes fall out. I got one more Freud lecture and then it is all textbook. I am behind at least two chapters, which will take me at least two days to go through. Exam two will be in two weeks. And then class will be over. I am not sure we will have a final. I don’t think so but I could be wrong. I took some Ativan so I can get some sleep. I just had dinner and am so full. I had sliders and some chips and the chips were so yummy. Then I had ice cream.

Only thing to do the rest of the week is school work. I also need to go to the grocery store for some half and half. I am running low. I also got to get some squash for next week. I am going to see if I can get it frozen so the fresh squash doesn’t go bad as it will be a week old if I buy it Thurs.