Category: depression

Light in August

I started my 3^rd book in my English class at like 5 this morning. I woke up at midnight and there was no way I was going back to sleep. I ordered breakfast and then read for about an hour. I didn’t read as much as I should have. I should be more than half way through the book but I am wicked tired. The professor has posted notes on the shared drive for this book.

I haven’t done anything today except spend money. But it was for needed things. I needed half and half. I didn’t want to buy just one thing so I bought some breakfast burritos and the chicken breast was on sale so I got that. And the eggs were cheaper at this store than the other one I was going to order from so I got those, too. Tomorrow I will make roast chicken and potatoes. I hope I make the potatoes just right like last time. It was so good, I ate them all in one sitting.

I still need to shower. It’s been more than a week. Luckily, I haven’t been around my sisters to tell me I stink. I know I do. I don’t need someone telling me. I plan on taking one after I blog. I got my clothes ready. I haven’t decided if I am going to shave or not. Or take off the goatee and grow beard. I’ll decide tomorrow. I just need to focus on showering. That is my goal. And to brush my teeth.

I was hoping to read more of the book today but so far I haven’t. If I am not completely exhausted after my shower, I might read a few more pages. It’s a longer book than the other two were. I honestly don’t know if I will catch up. I got stuff going on this week, therapy and seeing my DMH worker, who I didn’t see Friday because I had a migraine. So I made the appointment for this week. I can’t blow her off again. I also need to get blood work done for school. I got an email saying they need my immunization records and TB test. The immunization record they have for the patient website is not complete. I had to contact employee health for it. I had to sign a release and had to figure out how to fucking do it without printing it out and signing it. Took me a while. I was so aggravated. I signed up for PDF convert for nothing. I will stop it before the end of the week. It’s nice to have though.

I took my night meds. I hope I sleep tonight. I am not going to bed early. I did that too many times and I always wake up around midnight or 1am, sometimes even 1130pm and then I am up all fricken night. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I took an Ativan but I just wasn’t sleepy. I am going to try a trazodone tonight. Sometimes it works when I am sleep deprived and sometimes it doesn’t. We’ll see which way it works.

Saturday Blog 01032025

I’ve spent the day working on my English paper. I woke up at 2am and couldn’t sleep so worked on it until I was sleepy. I kept trying to think of what to write and nothing was coming to me. I kept taking breaks and then writing a few sentences but not really getting into a groove.

I have been in a mood all day. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone and stayed off social media. I lied down for a bit. I am so tired. If I can just write another page or so, I will be good and turn this sucker in. I am still thinking about therapy and what to do.

I slept in later than I wanted to. I think I will be going to be soon. I don’t think I can finish this fucking paper. I just want to put my head down.

What am I even doing?

I woke up around 7 to pee and I should have stayed up but wanted to sleep a few more hours before my appointment. I took my meds after using the bathroom and then snoozed. I ended up falling in a deep sleep and when the alarm went off, it was so hard to get up. My head hurt but nothing coffee wouldn’t fix. Or so I thought.

I met with my therapist. We were talking about how the week was going. She didn’t have a lot to say about my dissociation experience Monday. Parts of me wanted to say that I was suicidal and in a bad way but I kept this from her. She asked what we were doing and I have no fucking clue. It was the start of my downward spiral. I felt useless. I didn’t even think I was worthy of therapy. Then I had a few conversations with my sisters and felt worse. I just wanted to fucking die, not exist anymore. All I wanted to do today was work on my paper but the headache became a fucking migraine with brain fog and I can’t think to save my life right now.

We made an appointment to meet next week. It’s supposed to be in person. Medicare is taking away telehealth appointments so I think I have only one month left of virtual and then it’s over. I don’t know how I am supposed to do my psychiatry appointments. I have a lot of appointments this month. Everything I bothering my head. I had to put my phone on vibrate. Everyone decided to respond to my texts or messages at the same time so the noise was killing me. I tried napping but couldn’t do it. I ended up having an anxiety attack. I just don’t know what I am going to do about therapy. I am stressed as it is with family and school. I don’t know if I can finish my degree. I am doing my best to get by and “live” when I don’t want to.

I am not back to my suicidal ways, the constriction that took over once I became suicidal is not there. I do think about suicide and acting on it. But I don’t have a concrete plan. I entertain the thoughts. It sometimes make me panic a little, especially as I did overdose last time while I was in a dissociative state. Luckily, what I want to OD on isn’t readily accessible. I would have to look for it.