Category: depression

Grief and more grief

Saturday is my mother’s birthday. She would have been 84. I have been thinking about her all week. And then today after therapy, I started thinking about my own grief about being trans and not having trans joy because of my mother’s death. I feel so pained. It’s hard for me to write today.

I started writing this yesterday and couldn’t finish it. Today I am depressed and have low appetite. I am trying to drink fluids but it is hard. I felt a little lightheaded earlier but I am sure it is because my blood pressure spiked. I got a migraine soon afterwards. My third of the week. I slept terrible last night. I wanted to pick up my meds but I ended up taking a nap. I am finding it so hard to stay awake during the day as all I want to do is sleep. I feel really tired. I messaged my psychiatrist to let him know.

I slept with the puppy briefly until someone came to the door and she jumped up. It was someone downstairs. I went up to my room and ordered food but I barely touched it. I ordered pizza and only had one slice. I still need to shower. Shaving is optional at this point. I need my cousin to trim my neck hair has it is wild. I am still debating on going to the barber shop for a haircut or to do it myself. I won’t be able to do it outside as it is too cold.

I have been dealing with post nasal drip all day. It is driving me crazy. Feels like there is something stuck in my throat. I hate it. It rained this afternoon so I am glad I didn’t go out. I have to go out tomorrow to pick up my meds. I am going to try and go in the late morning soon after I get up. Otherwise I will not go.

I took the weight loss drug late today as I forgot about it. I usually get the syringe and bring it up to my room the night before so I take it with my meds. But I forgot and then when I was having coffee, the puppy was distracting me. I didn’t take it till around 5pm. I hope I don’t get a stomachache. All I have eaten today is a yogurt and that slice of pizza. Least I have leftover pizza if I get hungry later.

I’m still not sure we are doing anything for my mother’s birthday tomorrow. Sunday we are seeing my cousins for my birthday celebration. I am not sure if my brother in law is coming.

Feeling down

I had a rough time going to sleep last night. I was overtired and didn’t end up falling asleep till after midnight. Then I woke up in the morning to pee. I was able to get back asleep until my med alarm went off. Then an hour later I had to pee again so I got up. I took a sleeping pill so that I would sleep and possibly not get up to pee but it didn’t work out as planned. I am still so tired.

I had one cup of coffee and then I ordered lunch. I wanted lo mein. When it came, I ate some of it and a few pieces of the General Gao I ordered. Then I was full. It doesn’t look like I touched any of it as the container is still full. I will have dinner tonight and possibly lunch tomorrow.

My textbook came for my class and it is a huge ass textbook. I also got the clicker remote thing. I am not going to open it until class starts. I will start reading the book next week. Today I am just going to focus on taking stuff off my bed, a little at a time so I don’t overwhelm myself. I also plan on shaving as I missed some spots while trimming.

I just went over my degree audit. After I finish my required courses, I still need like 19 credits to graduate, which is like six classes, possibly seven depending on how it works out. If I start taking two classes a semester in Spring of 2027, that will put me on track to graduate fall of 2028. Right now it just seems impossible for me to fathom that I need to wait another two years to graduate. Ugh

I am getting another bloody headache. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow and last night there was snow. It’s crisp outside. I had to go down and get a few packages and the cold air kept on hitting me. There is a yappy dog barking across my yard. Their bark is so fricken loud. It’s a small dog. I hate yappy dogs. I miss my Honey. Her bark is full blown adult dog bark. Thankfully she doesn’t bark often. She is with her daddy. He was supposed to bring her last night but didn’t. I hate him.