Category: depression

An early start to the day

I woke up around 530 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep. About a half hour later my sister got up to get ready for work and she was making all kinds of noise, going up and down the stairs. I seriously want to WD-40 her door as it makes such loud creaking sounds. I waited for her to leave before trying to go back to sleep but nope, it wasn’t happening. I got up to get coffee. My head was hurting and I kept on getting side cramps on both sides of my chest. It was so painful I had to take Robaxin.

After I had my coffee, I did some reading. The first paper was so long, interesting, but long. It took me an hour and a half to read. I was toast afterwards. I went to go have another cup of coffee and play with the puppy. She didn’t want to have nothing to do with me as her mom and dad weren’t home. When her mom came home, she was all over me, licking me all over the place.

I had therapy today and mostly talked about how the class is stressing me out but there are only two weeks left of class. I also talked about my difficulty showering. We made a few more appts for the next few weeks. She does a lot of head nodding which is annoying me. We haven’t talked about anything deep. I still have not told her I am trans. For some reason, I don’t want to come out to her. Not yet anyways. I still find it painful that my trans joy was hindered by my mother’s death. It just happened so damn fast. I keep having dreams about her. I don’t know what to make of them. I asked a fellow psychology friend and he said it could be a comfort of some kind.

After therapy, I tried to take a nap but my brain was thinking. I then remembered I had to register for class next semester. So I got up to do that. It said I had already taken the course. I had to look at my degree audit because I don’t remember when I took it. Turns out I failed it in like the summer of 03. I remember now because it was so damn difficult and I wanted out but the withdrawal for summer classes had already passed so I ended up with an F. Now I need to find out where the lab is. It is a building code I don’t recognize. I think it might be the new science building but I am not sure. I need to find the campus codes to find out.

I had my dinner after I registered. I had some soup and some dates. I have been eating dates all day. They are so good. I have been trying to drink fluids. I washed my water bottle as there was something floating in the water. I need to brush my teeth. I will after I take my night meds. I am feeling so tired. I hope I sleep tonight and before 10pm. Tomorrow I got to message my pcp my blood pressure readings and see what dose they want to start me on with the other blood pressure med. The last couple of readings have been good. Today was close to normal but not there yet. It’s supposed to be a wet snowy day tomorrow. I just hope it doesn’t freeze over. Wed I need to get my bloodwork done. Then it’s supposed to snow again Thurs. I get the study guide tomorrow so I will be doing that the rest of the week. I need to get a good grade on the exam as I know I didn’t do well on the paper. Still have not gotten the grade for it yet. She probably took one look at it and tore it apart. You would think that there would be a history of suicide that someone had written as long as humans could write. But nope. There is very little on the matter. Believe me, I tried every kind of combination to search for articles in PsychInfo and came up with NOTHING. Even pubmed failed me.

Sunday Blues

I took a trazodone last night because the past few nights have been difficult. I slept through the night and most of the day. I didn’t get up till 11 when my bladder was close to bursting. I was dreaming I was on the toilet but for some reason, I couldn’t pee and then I woke up. I am glad I didn’t pee in my dream or my bed would be wet.

I took my meds and checked my messages. Then I played on my phone. I had a few goals today and it was supposed to be reading my studies. I ended up hearing the lectures for the week and became unmotivated to read. I also had to shave and shower. I did both of those. I had leftovers for supper. It wasn’t many calories as it was sweet potatoes. My sister made them and I don’t know what she used but they were very peppery tasting. I usually roast them as is. I like things plain. She scooped my butternut squash and had to put some green topping on it. I wanted to kill her.

I was glad to finally trim my mustache as the hairs were irritating my nose. I have been feeling so shitty lately. I feel tired all the time. I don’t sleep well. My appetite is finicky. I feel worthless most of the time. Not to mention the shame and guilt I feel nearly every day. I don’t even know why I feel guilty most of the time. It’s just there.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what I will talk about. I never really have an idea. Lately she just has been asking questions so it has been easier to talk. I did my meds today and the magnesium softgels I bought are huge. They are much bigger than what I was expecting. I had to buy them at the pharmacy because I couldn’t order my usual ones. They were too expensive. I will order them when I get paid later this week. They are on sale at Vitamin Shoppe. The prices have gone up there since I last ordered from them. Even my vitamin D is more expensive.

In addition to the textbook, I have three articles I need to read. One is 14 pages, another 9, and the last one (recommended) is 13. This week is study week as we will be getting a study guide on what the exam will be. I really hope we don’t have to work in groups again. I have to write about one of the articles for the discussion for the week. I will get that out of the way tomorrow. If I can’t sleep during the night, I usually read the textbook as it keeps me off my laptop and phone. I don’t have a book that is not clinical right now. I have a trans book I have been meaning to read but reading about trans kids is hard for me. I know what they are going through. I wish I had the courage they had to come out at their age. I think I would have been happier sooner. It just sucks that my mother’s death is complicating my trans joy for top surgery. I still feel the grief. And the memories of that week she passed and I was recovering. She took a turn for the worse toward the weekend and died exactly a week after my surgery. Such a difficult time.

Slow day

I had a rough night sleeping last night so I slept kind of late. I just couldn’t get to sleep. I was reading my textbook and sneezing my head off. I finally took a Benadryl and was able to sleep but then my bladder kept me up like every two hours. It was not a good night.

I had breakfast of pumpkin pie and a yogurt. I only had one cup of coffee. I restarted the weight loss drug and so far I don’t have any side effects. I had leftovers for supper, turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes that someone ate. I was not happy with that. I also had some of the cheese thing my sister made. It was so good.

I went back to my room and went through email. My inbox was almost reaching 200 unread emails so I went through them. Some of them were old and could be deleted. Others I just filed in their folder. I went down to 94. I had to stop because I got bored. I then took a nap and didn’t get until 630pm. I need to shower and shave but I have no energy. I am supposed to go over my cousin’s tomorrow for the OSU game. I need to shower at least. Maybe I will after this blog.

I called my cousin and he has the flu. I won’t be near him anytime soon. I don’t remember if I talked to him yesterday or not. I think I did. He was ok then. Weird how viruses can come on so quickly. My niece was getting over a cold. I have been lucky so far that I haven’t been sick. But then I rarely leave the house and I always wash my hands when I get home.

I am tired. I was going to read one of my psych things but I don’t think I have the stamina for it. If the shower wakes me up, maybe I will read some of it. It is 13 pages. I don’t know why the articles are so fucking long. Just hope it reads better than Freud.