Category: depression

Saturday Blog 10052025

Today was a clusterfuck. There were events around my city. I was hoping to be up before the mayhem but I couldn’t get up. I got up at noon. Took my meds and it took me forever to brush my teeth. I pet the puppy who was happy to see me. She kept nuzzling her nose in my chest. I hadn’t seen her in like three days. Anyway, I finally brushed my teeth so I could leave the house with something washed. I haven’t had a shower in more than a week now. I will take one later tonight after I finish my Italian homework.

There was some traffic in the square and if I had looked to see what the time bus was before it left the station stop, I would have gotten off at the station. I decided to wait but the bus never came. I was so pissed off. I went in the Asian market and ended up paying ten bucks for two quarts of half and half just so I can have fucking coffee.

I just came home and omg there is some band trying to sing and they can’t fucking sing. I have never seen so many people in the streets. I was starving and luckily my brother in law brought up the rotisserie chicken that he had. I had half of a breast. I am going to see if my sister can make the yummy chicken salad she made the other day again. It was the bomb of chicken salads. I have no idea what she puts in it but it is so good.

I had a cup of coffee when I came home. It felt good to have something warm as I spent nearly an hour out in the cold. It’s warming now but I am still kind of cold. It’s cool in my room. Luckily the wind isn’t blowing or I think it would be colder. The sun finally came out and it stopped raining. I would have gone out yesterday but it was a cold, windy, rainy day. Not my kind of weather.

I still feel wicked depressed. I miss my mother. I hate mother’s day. I always hated it but now I hate it even more. I am so tired. I hope I can take a shower tonight. I think I will feel better, at least a little bit. I will shave and stuff tomorrow. I got one chapter left in my book and I should finish it by Tues. Can’t believe the semester is over. I should be done with everything by next Sunday. Soon as I finish the book, I will start my paper.

I just have therapy and seeing my DMH worker for appts. I don’t have any doctor appts until July. I have the bottom surgery consult then. I am on the fence on whether I am going to keep it or not. I have no idea when I can expect the surgery. I still have to get two letters done for it. I’m not sure it will change much just that I will feel more whole.

Behind your walls

I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest muscles hurting. I had been in the same position for several hours and it was not happy. I tried stretching it out and that made things worse. I was in so much pain.

I didn’t shower today. I didn’t get up till around 3pm or so. I had something to eat and then I did my Italian exam. I still need to do the homework. But I will do that tomorrow, unless I get some energy later tonight. I need to shave, too.

I went out to dinner with my sisters. It was nice. My younger sister is going to FL tomorrow for Mother’s day weekend. It will be warmer than here. We have a cold rain going on. I didn’t go out today to get my half and half. I will go tomorrow.

I am so tired. I have only been up a few hours. I hate when I get like this. I feel really depressed. I miss my mother. I had so many dreams about her this week. Sucks this weekend is Mother’s day. I think I will stay off social media as much as possible that day so I don’t have to deal with it.

I didn’t sleep yesterday and I got the shingles vaccine. My alarm went off and I fell back to sleep. I was so groggy. When I woke up, it was too late for class. I stayed in bed most of the day.

Around 3pm, despair hit and i was thinking about my plan. I just want to give up. I was expecting my pcp’s nurse to call as we missed each other yesterday but she didn’t. I didn’t feel like reaching out so didn’t call her.

It’s hot in my room for some reason. I don’t know if the fan is on or not. I don’t feel like getting up to find out. My head is hurting and I still feel groggy. I haven’t done shit all day. I’ve felt sick all day. I am out of half and half so will need to go out tomorrow. I still need to shower. I have no fucking energy for nothing.   I only had two cups of coffee and no other fluids today. Oh well.