Category: depression

Exam and stuff

I passed my exam. I am so happy. It is the only high mark of the semester. The professor thinks I will be able to pass as I am doing better in everything else. I hope so. I am nervous though.

I couldn’t get myself to leave the house today. I just felt so damn depressed. Then I read the news today and I just want to fucking die. The country has really turned into a white supremist state and now the stupid republicans have voted to deport US citizens. I don’t want to live any more. Once the semester is over, I am going to end things. I don’t care. I don’t know when I will do this. The psychache is so intolerable.

It was cold today. Temp dropped by ten degrees. I didn’t leave the house. I just stayed in bed most of the day. I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. I am going to read my book tonight. Game is on but I am not really interested in listening. I will just keep track of the score. My allergies have been bad today. Last night they were too and I had to take an extra Allegra. I hate spring.

I didn’t have therapy today because my therapist canceled for reasons unknown. She cancels at least twice a month. I don’t know how she keeps her job. It really pissed me off.

My email is in limbo because my account is short on funds and I can’t pay the subscription fee for more memory until Friday. I am so angry. Living on a fixed income sucks so bad. I forgot to put money on my t pass so had to borrow 10 bucks from my sister. I am so annoyed.

I went to make my chicken breast and it was gone. My niece made it. So I had no dinner. I am making roasted zucchini. I had some mac and cheese. I was so looking forward to the chicken. Fuck. My soda is gone.

I managed to brush my teeth and shave today. I still need to shower. I might do it before bed. I wrote out my Italian. Now I just got to memorize it. It has been difficult as my brain doesn’t want to work. My Italian friend was going to help me but I haven’t heard from her.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist. I might need a new therapist if these cancelations keep happening. I’m so tired. I just want to end things. What difference does it make if I have a therapist or not. I have another appt with my therapist Friday. If she doesn’t cancel.

I got a headache that I think is gonna turn into a migraine. I am so tired today. I slept good. Don’t know if I will sleep tonight as I am so worried about tomorrow. I still have Italian homework to do. But I’ll do it tomorrow after I get home from class.

Class and feeling down

I had class today. I slept through the night, only waking up around 530 to pee but was able to get back to sleep. I should have stayed up because after the alarms went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in longer than I should have. I still made it on time to class. It was kind of boring. My DMH worker called near the end of class. I didn’t have a chance to text her while on the shuttle because it was crowded and I couldn’t pull my phone from my pocket. Then I forgot until I came home. We talked for a bit. It was nice. We didn’t stay on the phone long. She just wanted to check in and see how I was doing.

My mood started going south around 6. I don’t know why. I still feel really depressed. I keep thinking of ending it. I keep putting it off though. I feel this huge weight on me. I don’t know what it is about. I see my therapist tomorrow. Maybe we can sort through it.

I have a headache and my throat hurts. I think it is allergies. While walking home a big gust of wind brought pollen in my glasses. I was so freaked out because I am allergic to the trees. My throat just feels dry and sore. I also have a stomach ache. This was before I had coffee. It settled down some after I had something to eat. I didn’t make my chicken for dinner. I didn’t feel like cooking. Maybe tomorrow. I feel so tired. My legs were killing me when I came home. I didn’t walk more than I usually did while on campus.

I was so mad today. I had placed an order at CVS online and instead of it being at my “favorite” store, it was some store in NYC! I had to call them and cancel it. I had used all of my rewards for this order and I don’t think I am going to get them back. I am so mad. I still haven’t gotten an email saying the order has been canceled. Now I need to reorder everything. Such a pain in the ass. Then my sister got me mad. She accused me of breaking the vacuum. It’s an old machine and the piece got stuck so she blamed me. Fucking idiot.

I still need to make the story for my oral exam and practice it. I am going to see if I can call my friend and speak Italian to her. We can use cards so that will be helpful. But we can’t do a prepared text.  I don’t know if that is the same thing as memorizing a text. I am so fucking nervous. It is also the day I am supposed to appear in court but I can’t because I have class and the thing has been settled so I think I will be ok. All this worry is not helping my stomach.