Category: depression

Saturday Blog 29032025

I don’t know what I am doing in my Italian class. I emailed the professor and he said I am confusing the tenses. I did the best I could. I did the discussion piece. I just got finished with it.

I barely slept last night. I don’t know why. I am so tired. It was raining off and on today and it has been really cold. My sister shut the heat off so it’s really cold in my room. I wanted to leave the house today but couldn’t get myself together enough to do it. Maybe Monday.

The felon is going after California to out transgender students. Only a matter of time before he comes to my state. I am so fucking scared. I want to die. The stress is killing me.

My feet keep cramping and I don’t know why. It hurts. My feet are cold so that doesn’t help. Ballgame is on soon. I plan on listening. Last night they lost. I ended up turning it off after the 5^th inning. They were already losing and I knew they weren’t going to win the game. Devers hasn’t gotten a hit yet. And I guess he will no longer be playing third base. He will be the DH. I hope I can listen to at least the 6^th inning tonight. Game is an hour earlier so I hope so.

Blah and depressed

I slept really late today. I didn’t feel like go to class today. I thought about going to the language lab but didn’t have the energy to get up. I have been in a funk all day. I got nothing accomplished. I did manage a shower.

It’s Opening Day. I listened to the game for a little while. They won. I should be happy but I am so depressed. I am so stressed out about school. My anxiety just is bad. I am going to text my therapist. The radical acceptance stuff isn’t helping me.

I’ve been playing my game on and off all day. It’s been helping me keep distracted but there are tasks I keep forgetting to do. Like stuff for the house goods needs stuff from the plastics. I create a thing and then forget to do the other thing. I just harvested some eggs and forgot what I need to make with it. I don’t care. I don’t have the concentration like I usually have today.

I showered but didn’t shave my head. I don’t know if I am going to or not. I kind of like how it is, all buzzed off. I need to have my cousin trim my neck hair in the back. I tried to do it and ended up scratching myself.

Resting day

I had therapy this morning. We discussed my grief about my mother and things. I had sent her a message saying how anxious I was about school. I don’t know what I am going to do if I can’t complete my degree. She didn’t offer any suggestions on it. Just to be mindful and present.

I had lunch and then I was feeling tired. I took a nap and it was for the rest of the afternoon/evening. I just woke up to take my night meds. I didn’t really sleep so great last night. I am debating on whether to finish my book or do the Italian. I was unsuccessful in finding a tutor. The professor said he would give me some extra help if I needed it. I am supposed to be starting the next book. The professor said it is an easy read. I am glad because the last few books have been difficult.

I am feeling really depressed. I keep thinking of my mother. I want to just see if she is ok. I just miss her so much. I bought a couple of books at the bookstore. I need to go pick them up tomorrow. I was going to go yesterday but I forgot. I feel sort of rested since I have napped all afternoon.

A day of being busy on campus

I messed up my alarm and got up late so I didn’t have time to make coffee at home. I was up from 3-7am last night. I woke up to pee and then couldn’t go back to sleep until I heard my sister leave for work. Then I woke up feeling like complete shit.

I made it to class with fifteen minutes to spare. There was a little delay getting to the station. For the most part, I wasn’t too winded today walking. It was fairly warm and I was sweating with my hoodie on. Class was good but I am still fucking behind. I got to finish this book and then read like 80 pages of the next book by Thurs. I still need to work in my Italian. After class I went to the student tutoring place. They just gave me a website to sign up for a tutor like my professor did. I told them I had trouble finding someone and she was like just email them. But she didn’t give me the email address, just the website. I’ll figure it out somehow.

I got sort of winded as I was walking back to Campus Center to catch the shuttle so I stopped at a bench. I was wicked thirsty. I bought a coke as my stomach is upset for some reason. All I had to eat today was the feta spinach wrap from Starbucks. It was wicked salty today so maybe my stomach didn’t like it. I drank my latte fast. I needed the caffeine. I had two missed calls when I checked my messages. One was my therapist’s office and the other was my cousin. I called my cousin. He could have just texted me his answer but decided to call me. I hate when people do that.

I read my book on the way home. I was so exhausted. I had to pick up some of my meds at the pharmacy and get more water. I also bought some more Gatorade. I ordered Chinese food for tonight. My stomach isn’t going to like the Kung Pao but I haven’t had it in a while. I don’t know if carrying the drinks stressed me, but I was so fucking winded by the time I reached my house. I had to sit on my porch for a few minutes before continuing upstairs. I got winded again, after the stairs. I was sweating. I needed to cool off. I also need to shower as I stink. My legs felt dead when I finally relaxed in my bed. I messaged my therapist if we could do virtual as I know it is going to be hard to have back to back days of walking. She agreed. It also gives me a chance to try out my new laptop’s camera. I got it yesterday. It is so much faster than my older one. I have to transfer files now. I haven’t decided what to do with my thumb drive that I keep my blog docs on. I might have to switch when I use the newer to the old. Or maybe just save on my hard drive. I still need to install Endnote on new laptop. Today I am just copying files for it. I am too tired to do everything. My leg keeps twitching and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is my thigh or my knee. Can be either or both. It doesn’t hurt; it is just annoying.