Category: suicide attempt

Had a bad day. I rec’d some comments that really angered me. People don’t know what my struggles are yet presume to know them because I talk about my ambivalence. Suicide is not an easy decision. a lot goes in to it. I am planning my death yet I am prevented from acting on it because I am currently hospitalized. Anyone who has been hospitalized knows that it is not easy to kill yourself while under 15 minute checks. Sure I have thought about it, but the chances of being rescued are great and I don’t want to be rescued.

Once I am out of this place, I will attempt. I hate my life. I don’t see a future. I don’t see that my life has purpose. I am a loser. This might be the last blog I write. I just don’t care anymore.

I know my blog has mostly covered how I feel and my self-destructive thoughts. But tonight I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about my beloved Sox. They have traded there pitchers that I like to other teams. I know they have had a sucky season and most likely will not make the playoffs. I am really depressed because the two best pitchers on the team are now gone. They might as well be a AAA team now (for those that don’t know baseball, that means being a minor league team, below professional level). I can’t stand to watch the rest of the season.

The worse part is that I can’t talk to anyone about this. I am in the hospital. I can’t tell them I am upset because of a sports team. They will really think I am nuts. I could call my friend but he is on his way to Atlanta for a convention. He will most like be upset as me, but not to the degree that his heart is breaking.

I love my baseball team and it hurts to see them suck. But I know next season will be better than this year.  I know I will watch a game or two even though I have said I won’t. It will be difficult but hopefully the young pitchers will do ok. I am glad they did get rid of Buchholz. He is one of my favorites, too.

I waited all morning to meet the Psych team. I have had a headache all day so this didn’t help my mood. I didn’t get much accomplished in the meeting. They went over my history, again, and caught up to where I am today. I don’t have much hope of them helping me.

I am only here because my therapist and psychiatrist wanted me here. I am hoping to get out of here Monday. I hate being here. I am still pretty depressed. Doc might play with my meds. I don’t know if there is much hope there.

I am really depressed about my baseball team. Two of my favorite pitchers have been traded to different teams. I have predicted that one of the teams will make it to the world series this year. I have decided not to follow the rest of the season. I am too upset.

The day went by slowly. I was stuck in the eval center for most of the day.  I had no access to my limb aka phone  so it was very boring. I forgot to email my doc when I got here. But she called first thing to see if I was here. Good thing too because there was only one bed available.

I am feeling pretty hopeless about being helped here. I am on a different team so that sucks. I don’t know them. I heard good and bad things. I really want to be home and plan my death. I can still do it here. I am messed up.

It’s really cold in my room. AC is on full force. I am glad I brought my fleece red Sox blanket. I am nice and warm.

One of the staff is going to buy my book. We were talking about it my last admission here. Now it is a reality. I brought only one copy as that was all that would fit in my bag.

The attending admitting doc was strange. He asked me how long my admissions were. I hope that doesn’t mean I am here for a while. I already want out on Monday!!