Fucking pissed off

Had a bad day. I rec’d some comments that really angered me. People don’t know what my struggles are yet presume to know them because I talk about my ambivalence. Suicide is not an easy decision. a lot goes in to it. I am planning my death yet I am prevented from acting on it because I am currently hospitalized. Anyone who has been hospitalized knows that it is not easy to kill yourself while under 15 minute checks. Sure I have thought about it, but the chances of being rescued are great and I don’t want to be rescued.

Once I am out of this place, I will attempt. I hate my life. I don’t see a future. I don’t see that my life has purpose. I am a loser. This might be the last blog I write. I just don’t care anymore.

8 thoughts on “Fucking pissed off

  1. DEAR ONE!

    I’m BETTING you WON’T SHOW THIS TO YOUR THERAPISTS! BUT in the event that you DO,

    I THOUGHT YOU’D REALLY BE PISSED-i’M NOT SURPRISED! I know you’re not in a frame of mind to accept any love, affection, words of wisdom, encouragement from ANY quarter BUT you simply CAN’T STAND having your attitude proven WRONG , or being wrong about any thing else. NO one is ASSUMING ‘to know you.’ Those of us who have replied to you are talking as much about themselves as they are about you. EVERY reply isn’t ALL about YOU! We, are SHARING OURSELVES;,EXPERIENCES,OPINIONS & BARING our very innermost STRUGGLES WITH YOU! We don’t WANT you to feel/be ALONE. BUT INSTEAD OF accepting OUR GENUINE CONCERN you get all bent out of shape! NONE of us believe or think you’re LOST CAUSE or we wouldn’t have taken the time to talk to you And what do you DO? YOU turn around & slap us in the face! Those of us who reply to you AREN’T WRONG about your WORTH no matter HOW many times you try to CONVINCE us that WE ARE. We aren’t GOING TO BUY into that CRAP!! Every one of us KNOWS you hurt like HELL, we don’t DOUBT that a BIT! One man’s scratch is as painful to HIM as an amputation is to somebody else.! Each one of us is going or has gone through stuff that would curl a bald man’s hair!

    all OF US are slogging through a drug induced fog, a tangle of emotional & physical despair. YOU don’t really KNOW us either YOU’RE not a ‘lost cause’ but you’re doing a FABULOUS JOB of CONVINCING YOUR SELF! I really DO think there is some kind of ‘pay off’ for continuing to hold on to a system of behavior that you KNOW is NOT working, but you’d rather be MISSERABLE than take a chance on being BETTER!

    HOW/WHY do I think THIS? Because I’m doing EXACTLY the same thing! I KNOW if I DON’T start PT, in a MONTH I’m not going t be able to get out of bed! I’ll be TOO WEAK to even walk to the bathroom! I don’t know WHAT I’m ‘getting out of this behavior I only know it DOESN’T WORK & I have only MYSELF to blame! I’m smoking 3 packs a day knowing full well the RISK I’m taking but I do it any way! I’vee sat on the commode for so long so many times my feet & legs are swollen & have even less feeling than before. You don’t have the MARKET CORNERED on living with CRAP!

    ‘Planning your death & being PREVENTED FROM ACTING ON IT,’ I wonder if it’s true or if it’s to get attention. Your family is NEVER going to meet your expectations of loving unconditionally, accepting/understanding transgender/depression/being suicidal no matter what you do or say. BUT it’s FOR DAMN SURE you’ll NEVER know if you aren’t HONEST with them!

    I KNOW suicide isn’t an easy decision; I’ve been planning for YEARS-spent HOURS & HOURS & HOURS & hundreds if not thousands of dollars doing it! I’ve stocked PILES of PILLS & liquor. But it’s a darn sight EASIER to plan/act than it is to make the decision to KEEP DIGGING through the CRAP hoping there’s pony under it all! BUT as I said before, you have some very hard decisions to make, harder than deciding to end it all. You can decide to be BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself & EVERY one else or you can end it. If you decide to be HONEST it’s going to HURT worse than you Can imagine. You’ll have to actually DEAL with what you’ve been stuffing down for YEARS You will have to deal with telling your parents, you’ll have to STOP being ashamed of being transgender; feeling you’ve let your parents down. You think they don’t ‘know’ but I’m betting they’ve known for ages! How ever they react, it’s NOT your problem-it’s THEIRS & THEY have to deal with it.

    You’ve trusted us enough to share lots of things about yourself & NONE have dissed you! So I’m HONEST with you– You’re playing games, not being honest with yourself, your therapists, your family. Your behavior is counter-productive & you KNOW it! IF you’re serious about ending it, then tell your therapists,& check yourself out of the hospital because you’re wasting the time of everybody & keeping another patient from being admitted.

    I CARE about you-I’ve been telling you for several years. I can’t make you believe it, so don’t.. But I’m NOT BUYING into this; ‘my parents won’t understand, I’m in the wrong body, I hate my body, my periods, my breasts, my foot, my therapists are dumb, don’t know what they’re talking about, don’t understand, I can’t work, go to school, haven’t any money, I’m a loser. I’m NOT BUYING THESE ATTITUDES OR BEHAVIOR ANY MORE! IF you DO decide to end it, I’ll miss you terribly. I’ll ALWAYS hold you in my heart & there will be an empty place in it. You KNOW you’re smart, you DO have friends, people DO care about you, you KNOW your life has value to MANY people BCAUSE YOUR BLOG & BOOK ARE DOING WELL. However, we didn’t cause this,& as much as we’d like to, we can’t FIX it!!. If you decide to do it, we can’t STOP you.

    If you DON’T WANT to hear from me any more I’ll understand & still care about you but I will NOT let you EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAIL OR ABUSE ME because you don’t like me calling it like I see it.

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  2. G
    I am sorry to hear you are losing hope. It is easy for every and anyone to say you are not a lost cause. I hope, that you can see, and accept coming from me, your MGH Mumma, that all is not lost.

    You may not think this, but I KNOW your first book was not meant to be your only or last. You have been given a gift—a writing talent along with the intellect to communicate what others can only think, feel or keep locked inside……do not take criticism, real or perceived too closely….look beyond feelings…you have stimulated dialogue, conversation, or at the very least commumication that other wise would not happen and raise awareness. YOU are the catalyst for this. Don’t silence yourself G…..there is still more for you out here in the world..Rest, then gear up to fight off your demons….THAT is your destiny, not giving up!
    Lots of us out here got your back G! You WILL overcome! ♡& hugs, Mumma

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  3. 😦 I don’t think you are. I think there is hope. A lot of the time I feel like a lost cause, heck I feel that way now. But there will be something beautiful at some point, and it will give you some hope again. Please just hang on.

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  4. So I suppose you don’t want anyone telling you that they care? Well tough luck. I care. I have been suicidal. I work with people who want to hurt themselves and I care about each one of them. Sharing your story has made me care about you. You aren’t a loser. You are in pain but pain can be healed. I hope you rethink your plan. I hope you will decide to live.

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  5. I hope you start to feel better. I know sometimes it’s hard to imagine that things will get better. It probably feels hopeless right now, and maybe it will feel like that for a while… but it won’t always be bad. Best wishes.

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  6. I am sorry that our comments anger you. Or that you are offended that we “presume” to know what you are going through. Of course no one can ever truly know. But we can empathize because our struggles are similar. It is disconcerting to me that you respond with such vehemence and anger when someone does not agree with you. It is difficult to receive criticism however constructive it is intended to be. You will never get better unless you open yourself to the truth.

    And it is not easy. No one is saying you can just flip a switch and be mister happy pants. It is hard, dark, scary work to face the truths about ourselves. I was in therapy for years and never touched in co-dependency. I was focused on healing from a traumatic childhood, recovering some self esteem and finding the courage to come out. Last summer I was devistated to learn about co-dependence. I don’t want to be that person. I read books and felt co-dependent people are pretty fucked up. Spineless and stupid. Yet that is me. And every day that I whine about my misery in this abse relationship yet stay in it. Well I am pretty fucked up. I do have the power to change. I am just too afraid.

    So we come to you not to attack. Not to presume. I was pretty mad at my therapist when she labeled me co-dependent. But slowly I opened my eyes. It is half the battle to admit and accept your short comings. Now it is time to change. I am not there yet and perhaps neither are you.

    I do see great worth in your life. I have written you that before. I don’t see a lose at all. I find you quite brilliant and witty. You are deeply insightful and your brutal honesty in your writing is encouraging. I just think, like most of us, you can see the solution for others but not yourself. As I said it is hypocritical for sure that I can dish out advice to you that I can not take for myself. The difference between us is that I have accepted my truths. I just have not figured out how to beat them.

    It is hard to open yourself to criticism. I grew up being criticized and beaten down. So I have a very hard time. I so desperately wish to be perfect yet am reminded constantly that I am not.

    I want nothing more than for you to find peace and happiness in this life. Not out of it. You have so much value to add to society. I wish you could see it. I wish you could see all the wonderful things I see in you.

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