Things are not getting better. I had a breakdown last night. The attending doc for the weekend asked how suicidal I was and it set me off. I then was a bubbling idiot to my contact person. We talked about the TG stuff and how much that is contributing to my suicidal thoughts.
I think I have been taking too much senna as I have been going multiple times a day. I have loose stool and I hate it. It scares me because I really don’t want to have an accident.
I am glad I got some supportive comments yesterday. It helped to know that people care about me even of they don’t know me.
I still am very suicidal. I feel hopeless about my future here. I still think being in a casket is my better option, though I do want to be cremated. I want my ashes in a specific area that means a lot to me. I might wrote out my will and testament today. I know you are supposed to be clear headed but I am as clear as I can be at this time. I am also going to write a letter to my friend to tell him what to do when I am gone so that my family isn’t burdened too much. I want him to be the one to notify my online friends and my therapist and psychiatrist. I think it will be important and there is no one I trust more to carry these deeds out.
I had some discharge last night. Part of me knows this is probably a hormonal situation the will resolve itself with time but I am tired of fighting all the time. I told my contact person that I am just tired of always fighting the demons. This time I am giving in.
I am really angry that I am still here. I thought they would discharge me by now. I know it has only been a few days but come on. I am thinking of signing what is known as a three day. It gives the clinical team 3 days to determine if I need to stay by court order, I can leave or I can against medical advice. I know the risk is me staying by court order but I don’t care. Maybe If I do, and I am not worrying about them kicking me out prematurely I can get some work done. Its not like I have a job that is in jeopardy if I stay longer than need be. I just feel my back is against the wall and if I don’t do something crazy, I am not going to be helped. I half want this hospitalization to work for me and not be a babysitting experience. But I really don’t think they can make me hopeful. I know that has to come from me and I just am not there yet. I wish my therapist wasn’t going on vacation. I have a feeling I am going to be here the whole two weeks she is gone and I am bores being here already.
To my fellow bloggers, thank you for being there. It means a lot.