Suicidal demons have still been rearing their heads while I have been inpatient. In art therapy, I drew the place I want my ashes to be spread. On the other side I drew a giraffe by cause that was the assignment. You had to draw an animal with qualities like you.
I can’t get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. I am totally living, breathing, eating these thoughts. I want very badly to act on them but I am prevented. Most I could do is try to slice my throat but the chance od being rescued is great and I just feel like why bother.
The staff thinks it’s “good” that I am able to go to them when I want to act on my feelings. Tonight I’m working with a dickhead and he has no clue what I am going through. Yet all he can ask is that I can contract for safety. I came close today of losing my “sharps” privs, which include having charging cords. I need my cords so I told him it won’t be worth the while to try and hurt myself with them.
I over ate tonight because I was bored. Talked with my mother and all she cared about is when am I coming home. I didn’t tell her I would be coming home in a box or body bag. She thinks I am here because of medication adjustment.