Suicidal Demons

Suicidal demons have still been rearing their heads while I have been inpatient. In art therapy, I drew the place I want my ashes to be spread. On the other side I drew a giraffe by cause that was the assignment. You had to draw an animal with qualities like you.
I can’t get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. I am totally living, breathing, eating these thoughts. I want very badly to act on them but I am prevented. Most I could do is try to slice my throat but the chance od being rescued is great and I just feel like why bother.

The staff thinks it’s “good” that I am able to go to them when I want to act on my feelings. Tonight I’m working with a dickhead and he has no clue what I am going through. Yet all he can ask is that I can contract for safety. I came close today of losing my “sharps” privs, which include having charging cords. I need my cords so I told him it won’t be worth the while to try and hurt myself with them.

I over ate tonight because I was bored. Talked with my mother and all she cared about is when am I coming home. I didn’t tell her I would be coming home in a box or body bag. She thinks I am here because of medication adjustment.

3 thoughts on “Suicidal Demons

  1. Molly, I being honest with my treater’s. Today they wanted to work on a discharge plan and I told them I would kill myself. They then told me this would put them in a “bind”. So I will have to be a ” good” boy and lie if I want out of here. They suddenly do not want to work on my issues but get me discharged. So what am I supposed to do?

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  2. DEAR One!
    At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Hon, WHAT is keeping you from being HONEST with yourself & those around you? Have you told ‘them’ you think they’re all idiots & have no clue what you’re going through? Those of us who talk to you want you to be better!

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  3. Hun I keep thinking about you and hoping that someone will be able to help you. It breaks my heart that you don’t seem to be getting the help you need. Just please remember that I and many others like me care about you and are wishing for your healing.

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