midnightdemons7

Let my guard down

I didn’t want to go on social media today because I knew a shitshow was going to happen soon as the felon took office. And he came after trans people. The whole two genders bullshit. I felt so invalid. I can’t get my passport now. It was the last form of documentation I needed. Now I got to wait for this asshole to leave office so I can get it.

I have been in a depressed mood since finding this out. I talked to my cousins, not about being upset just in general. I am so tired of this bullshit. It’s a holiday so I can’t reach out to any of my providers. I don’t think I am going to make it the four years. My validity is at stake and I don’t take it lightly.

I have been trying to get documents ready for fuel assistance but my sister hasn’t been responsive. I have texted her all day and she isn’t answering. I don’t know if she is home or not. I have the appointment tomorrow morning. I am getting stressed out and I don’t need this kind of stress a week before school starts again. I got my own money problems.

I have been sneezing all day again today. I took my meds kind of late as I got up around 1pm. I can probably take another allegra around the time I take my night meds. I don’t know what I am going to have for supper. My sister made soup. I plan on making a gravy tomorrow. Hope I have penne pasta but I could go for spaghetti, too. I took out the ground beef and made sure I had the Italian seasonings. I need to go to the Square for my migraine med and then I will cook. That is the plan. Hopefully it won’t be icy walking. Temps are going to be below freezing tomorrow. I just hope there is no wind. I am glad my next two appointments are virtual.

One more day till all hell breaks loose

I have spent most of the day in bed. I got up around 230 for something to eat and coffee. I went on my social media and found the felon had “fixed” TikTok. I don’t even know if it was legal for him to do. I don’t care. Nothing will happen. Idiots will still follow him. I just dread tomorrow when he takes over the nation.

I have been in a sour mood all day. I don’t want to do shit. I wanted to get my meds but stupid Uber charged my account ten bucks so now I can’t get my meds until Friday. I didn’t even sign up for what they charged me for. I am pissed. I quickly canceled it, not that I will get my money back or anything.

I have been sneezing all day. My sister lowered the heat because it is costing us too much. The house is kind of chilly and the temps are going to drop. We are supposed to get snow. I am still waiting for my ultrasound results from yesterday. Probably will be midweek for them to come in. Tomorrow is a holiday, MLK day. I shaved today and brushed my teeth. I didn’t want to but I did it anyways.

I have a few appointments this week. I hate that therapy is toward the end of the week. I am still feeling really low. The PTSD symptoms are better. Just my mood sucks. I feel stressed out and I don’t have anything to be stressed out about. I just feel so sad and that I have no one to talk to about it. I feel like no one understands. I feel so alone.

I am so tired. I had weird dreams again last night but I don’t remember them. I know one of them I kept going around MGH in a motorized wheelchair of some sort trying to catch the shuttle. I had sliced my finger and needed stitches and kept going to the Mass Eye and Ear ED instead of MGH. I have no idea why. Crazy brain.

I just did my meds. I have to refill the Depakote this week. Actually, all my meds need to be refilled this week. I have to get a few refills from my doc. I will worry about it on Wed. It’s too soon to refill now. I hope my Mass Health works and I don’t have to pay for my meds. I paid like $700 last year. Be nice if I don’t have to pay that much this year.

Saturday Blog 18012025

I woke up early for my appointment. I was thirsty but couldn’t drink. I drank the minimum to take my meds. I got there a half hour early and they took me right away. I was in and out. I should have results Tues or Wed.

I brought my book to with me and went to Starbucks afterwards. Sadly, they didn’t have Sriracha sauce at the store I went to. I had my wrap and a mocha with hazelnut. It was good. I read a few chapters and then left. I was getting tired and wanted to be in my PJs. I ended up taking a nap. I slept most of the afternoon. I had a dream about my sister in which we were fighting and I went to bite her but it was my pillow. Fucking strange dreams I have been having.

I am still tired so I am not going to do anything. I don’t feel like doing anything anyway. I have been having an ok day so far. I still feel down but it’s not too bad. I used the crisis line last night because the PTSD was so bad. I felt like I was losing my mind. It was good to talk to them but they didn’t offer too much help. They stuff they suggested I already knew. They gave me some sheet to go over. It’s a PDF. I will send it to my laptop so I can work on it the next time I get that way. I was fearful I would have to go to the ED but I am ok now.

I’m not sure what I want for supper. I have turkey and ramen. Also tuna. Maybe I will make some tuna sandwich. I am not really hungry. I have been keeping track of my calorie intake the past few days. It’s been slightly over a 1000. Yesterday was over 1400 because I had the cupcakes. I really want ice cream but I can’t afford it. It’s gone up to $7.50 in some stores. That is a lot for a pint of ice cream.

Even though I napped, I am still tired. No one is home. I have the house to myself. I am going to read more of Finlay. I am enjoying the book. It’s a fun distraction. I just hope I don’t lose concentration.

Bad dreams

I went to bed before 9pm last night as I was tired. I slept for a few hours and dreamt of my mother. We had gotten into some sort of argument and weren’t speaking to one another. I was feeling really angry in the dream. She was talking on the phone about my sister babysitting my cousin’s kids. She then came to my room and placed something on my nightstand. I was pretending to be asleep but I was furious. I looked over at the nightstand to see what she left and then I woke up. I felt so disturbed. I was up for the next few hours. I don’t think I fell asleep until around 5. I had woken up around 2. I tried writing and reading but nothing seemed to help me get back to sleep. I woke up from another weird dream and I had to pee. I took my meds and went back to sleep.

My cousin called me at noon and I reluctantly got up. My friend’s appointment got moved so I wasn’t going to be able to see her today. I just wanted to stay in bed. I needed coffee. I got dressed as my cousin was going to take me to the grocery store. I wanted to get some turkey and more half and half. I bought a few snacks. They have Reese’s cupcakes that are so good. I was listening to someone you loved all day. I called my aunt who told me they were having a get together at a Chinese food restaurant on Monday and she wanted me to come. I said ok. I will have to find out the time from my sister.

I shaved after I had coffee. I want to shower and still might before bed. I am still clearing off my bed. I am getting closer. I just need to move my “office” stuff off. It’s mostly books. I feel so depressed today. I reached out to my DMH worker. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I just want to sleep.