midnightdemons7

Bad dreams

I went to bed before 9pm last night as I was tired. I slept for a few hours and dreamt of my mother. We had gotten into some sort of argument and weren’t speaking to one another. I was feeling really angry in the dream. She was talking on the phone about my sister babysitting my cousin’s kids. She then came to my room and placed something on my nightstand. I was pretending to be asleep but I was furious. I looked over at the nightstand to see what she left and then I woke up. I felt so disturbed. I was up for the next few hours. I don’t think I fell asleep until around 5. I had woken up around 2. I tried writing and reading but nothing seemed to help me get back to sleep. I woke up from another weird dream and I had to pee. I took my meds and went back to sleep.

My cousin called me at noon and I reluctantly got up. My friend’s appointment got moved so I wasn’t going to be able to see her today. I just wanted to stay in bed. I needed coffee. I got dressed as my cousin was going to take me to the grocery store. I wanted to get some turkey and more half and half. I bought a few snacks. They have Reese’s cupcakes that are so good. I was listening to someone you loved all day. I called my aunt who told me they were having a get together at a Chinese food restaurant on Monday and she wanted me to come. I said ok. I will have to find out the time from my sister.

I shaved after I had coffee. I want to shower and still might before bed. I am still clearing off my bed. I am getting closer. I just need to move my “office” stuff off. It’s mostly books. I feel so depressed today. I reached out to my DMH worker. I haven’t gotten a response yet. I just want to sleep.

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal
Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It’s easy to say
But it’s never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I’m going under and this time I fear there’s no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It’s easy to say but it’s never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I’ll be safe in your sound ’til I come back around

For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you’re not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I heard this song on one of the reels I watched on FB and had to listen to the entire song. I cried. It is a sad song and the singer sings it very well to get the feels. I bought the song and played it on repeat for a while. It touched me so much.

I sent a text to my therapist asking her to ask her supervisor or a manager to have the office call me by my legal name. They keep calling me my deadname and it is bothering me. I am no longer that person.

I talked with my advisor as I had some questions. She didn’t realize that the docusign thing had the wrong year on it so I had to fill it out again in case it was null. Also as I have four classes left in my degree audit, I asked what do I do with the credits I need to graduate. She said I needed like 126 credits so I needed to take extra classes. I asked if they are elective and she said they were. So now I am open to more psych classes that I want to take. I still need two 400 level courses. The sucky thing is that because my math was wrong, I won’t be graduating next year like I thought. I will have a better idea of how to plan my classes after this semester. If I can handle two classes now that I have therapy in place, maybe things will go and I can complete them. I am nervous because I know how I get. The semester starts off strong and then I get depressed and overwhelmed and drop a class to stay afloat. That’s why there are more W’s on my transcript than grades.

I am hoping to see my friend tomorrow. Maybe I can have lunch with her. Depends on when I can get my ass out of bed. I had the strangest dream that kept on continuing through the night. I was in Star Trek Next Gen and I had to save the crew with Wesley. Wesley disappeared once we came to some weird ass space station. I kept talking to Captain Picard about our situation trying to some up with some plan but lost one of the equipment mid dream. It was so bizarre. I woke up with a damn headache.

My laptop restarted during the night. It was running for I don’t know how long. I hate when it does this. It never goes to sleep when it restarts for the stupid updates. I started clearing off my bed a little bit. It’s still not done but it’s getting there. I found a bottle of allegra that I bought. I am glad because I have a quarter of a bottle left and will need it by the end of the month. I made an egg burrito for dinner. I put hot sauce on it and my mouth is finally cooled off. I still don’t know how I am going to get my migraine med. I will have to wait till next week to pick it up.

Bitching and moaning

Today was a rotten day. My therapist canceled so that left me with a couple of hours to do nothing before my pcp appointment. I didn’t want to move or get out of bed. I managed to brush my teeth and shave but my muscles were not happy about it. My back kept on cramping on me. I left early so I could take the shuttle rather than walk to the office.

I had another bout of insomnia last night. I woke up around 1 and couldn’t go back to sleep for the life of me. I rested but couldn’t sleep. I am wicked tired. Pcp appointment went ok. She wants to do some tests and for me to do another sleep study but it is not happening. She also is thinking a PT for my breathing problem. I told her I tend to hold my breath while doing stuff and then I am winded. I just forget to breathe. She is going to talk to a colleague about which therapist would be ideal. I didn’t have to do blood work. I was glad of that.

It took forever to get home. The bus came and then left without taking any passengers. I don’t know why. We had to wait another fifteen minutes for the next bus. Then it got stuck in traffic around the T station. I was ready to fall asleep. I was so tired. Then I get an email from UMB saying they need another SAP bullshit and letters of support. I need to talk to my advisor as we need to come up with another damn plan and shit. I am so tired I am not doing it today. I will get started on it tomorrow. I have to write a statement again.

I got my migraine med filled but it’s fucking $40. I don’t know if MassHealth didn’t pay or rejected it. It was a zero copay last time I got it. I have to go to the store tomorrow and find out. I don’t know how I am going to pay it. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I will go before I see him so I can get Starbucks. I have been craving their egg wrap with Sriracha sauce. I really like this hot sauce. I thought it would be hotter than tabasco but it isn’t.