midnightdemons7

My tears ricochet

I wish I could fucking cry. I couldn’t get up to save my life today. I got up around 7. Took my meds. Was going to take my T shot. Decided to lay down and I fell back asleep until the afternoon. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to give myself a shot. I just wanted to lay down and stay in bed. I had one bad dream which luckily didn’t give me a migraine or headache. I have been feeling tired all day. I finally got up and took my shot. Then I got up and made coffee.

I had to do school work today. I have been working on the build a brain project all afternoon. Trying to be creative hasn’t been working in my favor. I am such a literal person. I wasn’t always like this. I used to have an imagination. I don’t know what happened to it. I think I am almost done with the writing what my creature does. Next is just naming what brain parts it has and then draw the brain somehow with all the parts labeled. I have to read chapter 3 to go over the action potentials. I remember reading it but I don’t remember the specifics about it.

I wanted to shave and shower. I said I would at 7pm. It’s now 7. Oh well. Maybe after I finish the blog I will. My tooth is still being an asshole. I made roasted zucchini. I ate the whole thing. It was so good. I should have some ice cream for the calories but I don’t feel like eating it. I really haven’t felt like eating. I don’t know if it is the depression or the Topamax that is decreasing my appetite. Yesterday all I had was hot dogs. Nothing else. I made sure I have been drinking fluids though.

If I don’t hear from the therapy place by Friday, I plan on calling Mon and asking where I am in the waitlist again. I need to know because these dreams are disrupting my sleep and I know I need to talk about them to make me feel better about them. I feel really down and sometimes I feel like I don’t want to be around anymore. This pain between the headaches and migraines and toothache has taken its toll on  me. I am close to my breaking point. The brain stuff has cause the CRPS stuff to resurface. I am dealing with constant nerve pain nearly every day in my foot or ankle. My head is starting to hurt again. Fucking fuck. I don’t know if I am going to be able to read that chapter tonight or shower. I just want to fucking sleep.

I had bad and weird dreams all night. I woke up with a migraine at 3. I stayed up for a little bit. My phone needed an update and I reluctantly installed it. I didn’t ok it after the install. My med alarm never went off and I over slept. Thank god I set an alarm for 10. It wasn’t enough time for coffee. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I checked the bus schedule and a bus was coming now. Next one wasn’t coming for a half hour. I felt like crap. My head was still hurting. There was no time for coffee. Indecided to take a cab to my appt.

I was early and didn’t care. The medical assistant was a little pleasanter today. My blood pressure was high. My tooth was hurting. I waited for the NP. She came in with a social work intern. We went over my issues. I said I was still having palpitations so she ordered a holter monitor. She said she was going to reach out to neuro as my appt was more than a month away. I asked about taking gabapentin for the pins and needles and she agreed. She gave me a script for 300 mg. Hopefully the holter monitor will show I’m in sinus rhythm and there isn’t anything concerning about the palpitations.

I was two hours early for class. So I tried to print off the article for class. Except it wouldn’t allow me to. Apparently I had to download an app to do it. Soon as the professor came into class she asked me if I wanted to present it early and I freaked out. I still haven’t read the paper. I said I’d like to do it on the day I requested, which is like two weeks from now. I asked if I need to present slides or something. I don’t but the prof can handle figures if I need them. Class was wicked long when you don’t feel good. She started early and went over how the exam is going to be. A mix of everything, format wise. I hate that. I like it when it’s multiple choice. It’s open notes and we have two hours. The quiz is up. We can take it multiple times until we get 100.

I’m on my way home. I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten anything all day. I need to pick up my meds. There is a video I need to watch for class. I also need to work on the build a brain project. We got a day extension on it today. I am tired and just want to sleep. I got to talk to my sister about my disability payments. I got a letter yesterday and I’m confused by it. I still got to go to the office. Maybe I will tomorrow morning if I wake up before 10. Crossing my fingers it will happen.