midnightdemons7

A million years ago

I had a couple hours sleep and woke up around midnight to pee. I was up for the night. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 5ish. I read, I wrote. I did some school work. Nothing was making me sleepy. I finally called it quits when the school work got a bit complicated. I still haven’t gone back to it. I am struggling with it. I feel apathetic today.

My sister made a bunch of food. I went downstairs. The last of the football game was playing. They lost in overtime. So their record is tied at 1 right now. Sox lost today. Not a good day for Boston sports. After I ate, I went upstairs and had to use the bathroom. While I was washing my hands, I noticed like this rash on my stomach. I am not sure if it is a rash or acne. I took a picture of it and sent it to my pcp. I hope to get an answer tomorrow.

I didn’t shower today. I don’t feel like it. Maybe tomorrow. I did shave and brush my teeth. I had two cups of coffee. I am out of my biscuits. I am going to try and get them my next pay period. I also need to get my magnesium. I am out of it. The price of it went up. It’s now $20 for a bottle of 90. It lasts me 45 days because I take it twice a day. It helps with the migraines.

I am tired. I am trying to push through it. I did my meds for the week. Increased the Topamax to 50 mg twice a day. I don’t see the neurologist again till November. Hope it helps the migraines and it doesn’t make me dopey.

Saturday Blog 14092024

I am slow moving today. I woke up at 6 to pee and then went back to sleep after I took my meds. I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to get up at 1230 but it was more like 1330. I had some coffee and some waffles. I feel like shit. My tooth still hurts. I was pain free for a few hours but it didn’t last long. I brushed my teeth when I got up as I didn’t do it yesterday. I was in such a rotten mood yesterday. I am still in that mood today.

I went to my room after I had coffee. I looked at the responses from the students, trying to pick the easiest one but it was hard. I picked on and responded and then picked another. I had to pick two for credit. Now I just need to take notes on the slides which I am having trouble. I have a headache. I just want to sleep. I made another cup of coffee. I don’t care that it’s 1600. I wanted three cups of coffee today. My brain needs it, dammit.

It’s warm today. I was sweating in my kitchen. I am nice and cool in my room with the AC running. I wish my tooth would stop hurting. It is so annoying. I hope I don’t have to go back to the dentist. I just got a bill from when I went last month. There goes the extra money I was hoping to have for my “real” ID.

I am so tired despite sleeping through the night. I had some weird dreams about work. I kept processing green tops. I honestly don’t know what it is like to wake up feeling refreshed, like you have slept enough. I sleep for three hours and I can feel like I am ready to go and it is like 1am, which isn’t ideal! It truly sucks. I am trying to do my school work but I keep resisting and I don’t know why. I just need to get it done. I wish my damn brain would “wake up”. I hate this fog that I feel enveloped in. I feel so cloudy. That’s why I wanted coffee because sometimes it breaks it up. Except I don’t think it is happening today. I just feel so drained.

I meet with my psychiatrist on Tues. I am going to tell him I had Cotard’s syndrome back in 2022. I think it’s important for him to know. I didn’t think the cognitive symptoms of depression would be this bad this early in the semester. I am trying to push through but it is so hard. I feel like I am pushing through cement at times. I still haven’t left the house. I haven’t showered since Wed or Thurs. I don’t remember the day. It was when I shaved last so probably Thurs. I go up on the Topamax tomorrow. I will be at 100 mg a day. I know it can cause cognitive blunting too. I think it more depression than med related. My mood sucks. I am apathic as fuck. Anhedonia is so high right now. None of my friends gets it. I keep getting asked why, like there has to be a reason. There never is a reason. You just are.

Depressed and slow moving

I was up between the hours of 2 and 5am last night. I couldn’t sleep and I had to pee a few times because I was thirsty. I never left the house today. I woke up with a headache and I just couldn’t get myself to move with any type of speed. Around 11 I took my meds and then laid back down for a bit. I think I got up around noon to have my first cup of coffee. My DMH worker texted me to see if we were still on. I said we were but by 1 I knew I wasn’t going to be leaving the house. I asked if we could talk on the phone. I was stressing about the discussion paper that is due today. The professor sent an email reminding us it was due. I just felt paralyzed by depression today. It was creeping into my thoughts. I don’t feel well because of the headache and toothache. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I am so damn tired. I still have to do the slides for class and write them in my notebook. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do it. And it is only the second week of class!! Fuck. I am so screwed.

I just submitted the discussion. I misspelled discussion. Oh well. Sue me. I got the thing done. Now I got to reply to two classmates over the weekend. This class is so time consuming. I think I am going to go to bed early tonight. It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed, I will still be up in the middle of the night. I went to bed around 10pm last night as I was paying attention to the game as it went into extra innings. They lost. I didn’t listen to it because my head hurt. I don’t plan on listening tonight.

I made pizza for supper tonight. It’s the only thing I had to eat all day. I just haven’t been hungry. Monday I will try and go to social security for my gender marker change. I need to get it done so that the hospital stops sending me emails telling me to contact registration to update my gender change. I wish you could just email the document to them and be done with it but nope, you need to bring it in person.

Migraines have returned

I got a headache before the game started last night and by the time the game was tied and went into extra innings, it became a migraine. I took my meds and after the Sox won the game, I went to sleep. I slept for about six hours. I woke up around 430 to pee. I still had a headache so I took the new migraine med. I took two pills thinking the higher dose might be helpful. It didn’t do shit. I woke up feeling like my head was going to implode. I could barely think. I stayed in bed most of the morning and afternoon. I took some Excedrin. I eventually got up to take my meds. I still had to take a shower and shave. I just couldn’t get myself to move. Class was out of the question. So of course the group wanted to meet today. Around 1230, one of the students in my group said she wasn’t going to be in class. There are six of us so only four would be there as I wasn’t going to be there either. We decided to meet on zoom for this evening.

I finally took a shower and then had some coffee. I made a steak. I thought I was able to make it medium rare and I cooked it too long, again. I suck at cooking beef. It was still nice and juicy. I had to remember to keep the pieces small so I didn’t choke on it. It was a very good piece of meat.

My head feels like it is being squeezed right now. I just took my migraine med and a Robaxin for the chest wall pain. I also took some Sudafed as my sinuses feel congested. It is so warm today. After my shower, I was sweating in the kitchen. I didn’t wear a shirt. It’s cool in my room with the ceiling fan. My best friend just called me. She texted me last night and told me she has breast cancer. She doesn’t even remember texting me. She called to tell me she has breast cancer. She is still in shock. I feel so bad. But I know she will pull through it. She is a strong woman, one of the strongest I ever known.