midnightdemons7

Same shit different day 17072024

I slept fairly well last night. I was expecting to wake up in the middle of the night because I drank so much before bed but I didn’t. I got up around 2. I didn’t see the point in getting up before then. I think I took my meds around 11 and then laid back down. It has been a struggle to do anything today. I managed to get up and have a cup of coffee. Then I made some hot dogs. I haven’t been eating so it’s been hard making meals when you aren’t hungry.

I feel depressed. I got denied financial aid so I am not sure what I am going to do now. I dropped a class so I can at least take one class for the fall. I have the option to appeal but it takes so much effort and nonsense, I am just not going to do it. I am so tired. I feel like shit. Back is still bothering me. I don’t see the NP until next week. She is probably going to say it is musculoskeletal. My book isn’t selling like I had hoped. I still haven’t heard from the library about an event. All of this shit takes effort and I have no energy.

I needed to fill my T bag up with supplies today. I haven’t done it yet. I think when I get paid next week I am going to go to the butcher shop and buy a bunch of burgers so I will have them. I will just freeze what I don’t use. I am so craving a burger it isn’t funny. I keep thinking about the burger I got from a pub down the street. It was perfect. The chicken wings weren’t bad either though they were not as hot as I wanted them.

I just took out some supplies for my bag. I don’t have my shot this week. I feel really bad and kind of suicidal still. I am afraid to tell anyone because I don’t want to end up back in the hospital. It wouldn’t help the situation I am in. I mostly just feel like a useless idiot who can’t get anything done. I need to shower and trim my beard. My beard feels so heavy. It’s not helping with the heat. I really don’t want to be anymore. I just want to die. I feel so tired all the time. I wanted to do some things around my room but I have no fucking energy for it. I feel so useless. I’ve only been up a few hours and need a nap already. This fucking sucks. I had just one cup of coffee today. It was too hot in the kitchen to make another cup. I made an iced tea instead. Someone drank my green tea and I am not happy about it.

Who’s going to hold you like me?

I had a difficult time sleeping last night, again. I woke up several times and then around 330 I really couldn’t sleep. My legs were restless. I had to take an Ativan to get them to calm down. I didn’t take a Latuda last night because I didn’t eat enough yesterday. I have been losing weight because my appetite has decreased. It is wicked hot today, 95/35 degrees and feels like 100. All I did was sweat while I was having my coffee. I feel like shit still.

I brushed my teeth and shaved after I had my coffee. I was trying to find my fusion razor but couldn’t find it. Ugh. I had the blades but not the handle. I just used my Mach3. I need to change the blade next shave. I might take a shower today. But I am really tired so it might just be an idea at this point.

I don’t know what I want to eat. It’s almost 4pm and I haven’t had anything to eat yet. I just am not hungry. I haven’t had much to drink today. I just had one cup of coffee. I have been trying to drink some water but it is slow going.

Just playing with fire

I was sure my kidneys weren’t doing good so I had my doctor check them. They are fine. I was wrong. How can I feel so fucking awful and tired and have kidney like pain and be fine?? I just don’t get it. I give up. It took me more than hour to reach the square on the way home because the red line was running shuttles. If I had known, I would have gone the other way home and skipped Starbucks. Or maybe gone to another location. I was pissed they didn’t stop at all the stops on the red line so I got a bus that just took me to the end of the line and then I had to head back. I was not fucking happy. We would be passing the Starbucks so I ordered something. I had the intention to read but I was so flustered and tired and hot that I said fuck it. I just had something to eat and my iced coffee and then went to the bus stop to wait for the bus home.

It’s supposed to be in the 90s all week. I have an appointment with my DMH worker Thursday. I am going to see if I can meet with her virtually. I feel like shit and this heat is driving me fucking mad. I just want to hug my AC all the time. I don’t care if I am freezing my ass off. My blood pressure is normal. I guess I am just having a bad day. I didn’t sleep good last night. I woke up with a sneeze and then had to pee and that was it. I was up. I didn’t go back to sleep till after 0600. I took my morning meds then. I still woke up around 10 after sleeping a few hours. I weighed myself and lost seven pounds without dieting. I haven’t been eating as much the past few days. I have been drinking a lot because it is so damn hot.

I came home and literally crashed. I got undressed and just laid down. My room was kind of hot because I had shut the AC off while I was out. I feel like I could sleep. There is no baseball until Friday. I hate the All Star break. So my days and nights are wicked free. I can read more. I am trying to finish Moby Dick. I am almost at 50%. I don’t know what page I am on as it is not giving me the option. I might read later if I calm down enough to read. I am just wicked upset that I am feeling so bad and nothing is wrong. Makes me think it is mental or something. I see the NP next week for this back pain I have been having. It is at the crack of dawn so I hope I can make it.

Today is not my fucking day. I just shit myself. I thought it was a fart and you know how the saying goes, never trust them. I am done for the day. Going to take an Ativan and cool off in my room. Later, readers…

Sleep was disrupted last night. I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read for a long while. Fell asleep around dawn and once I silenced my med alarm, I didn’t stir until 2pm or so. I took my meds and need to fill my med box for the week.

I made a PB&J sandwich and coffee. I was sweating so bad by the time I finished my coffee. I had taken my shirt off cause I knew it was hot in the kitchen. I’m wicked thirsty. I got to wash my water bottle. I have no energy. Sox won.

I’m trying to stay awake so I don’t wake up at 2am again. It’s so hard. Allergies are high today. Been sneezing my head off. My flank pain has finally stopped. I got cramps in my back though. Damn those hurt.

I got to brush my teeth. I probably will do it when I go downstairs to wash my water bottle.