midnightdemons7

Sleep was disrupted last night. I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read for a long while. Fell asleep around dawn and once I silenced my med alarm, I didn’t stir until 2pm or so. I took my meds and need to fill my med box for the week.

I made a PB&J sandwich and coffee. I was sweating so bad by the time I finished my coffee. I had taken my shirt off cause I knew it was hot in the kitchen. I’m wicked thirsty. I got to wash my water bottle. I have no energy. Sox won.

I’m trying to stay awake so I don’t wake up at 2am again. It’s so hard. Allergies are high today. Been sneezing my head off. My flank pain has finally stopped. I got cramps in my back though. Damn those hurt.

I got to brush my teeth. I probably will do it when I go downstairs to wash my water bottle.

I woke up late. Felt like shit all day. I was resting all afternoon. I couldn’t get going even if you pointed a gun at me. I managed to shave my head and brush my teeth. While I was lying down, I got really suicidal. I just wanted to OD on something. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t want to live. I thought about reaching out but I didn’t. The whole thing seems like a joke to me. I feel so miserable. I just want to sleep or lay down all the time. I have no energy for anything. I was talking to my cousin last night and told him I just stay home. He said don’t you go out for coffee? I said I don’t. I hardly feel like leaving the house anymore. House is so hot that I just have my coffee and then retreat back to my room. I just had some cheese and pita chips. I wanted to make pancakes but it’s too hot to cook. I feel so run down. The side pain isn’t helping. No one knows how rotten I feel. Then my sister makes fun of me cause I’m in the kitchen having coffee. She is such a bitch.

I hate that I am fucking broke for the next week and a half. I’m out of the food I like. My niece ate my mac and cheese. I have ramen but I don’t want to eat hot food. I don’t want to cook even if it’s to boil water for the ramen. I hate being this way. Although I am no where near the level of suicidality I was in 2022, for the first time since then I honestly think I could end my life by my own hands again. I was doing ok with occasional suicidal thoughts but now it seems like every night I wonder if I should just die. The fuck its are strong. I was feeling so overwhelmed last night with the depression. I started watching Wall E the movie. My cousin texted me and while responding, I lost the movie. I said fuck it and didn’t open the app to turn it back on. It was after 8. I just went to bed. I thought about reading but couldn’t do it. Moby Dick is interesting. And I’m finally seeing why Dr. Shneidman thinks it’s about suicide. To be a whaler is kind of a suicidal mission.

I had coffee with my cheese. It didn’t do anything for the tiredness I feel. I’ll probably go to bed early tonight. Sox are playing day game so will be over soon. They are winning.

Showered finally

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was up for most of it and really didn’t get to sleep until after 5am. I had something to eat after using the bathroom. I then slept most of the day. I didn’t go to the ED. I didn’t feel like it. And my pcp’s office said it didn’t look like an infection so I didn’t have to go. I still have the flank pain but now it’s on both sides. I asked my pcp to order chemistries to check kidney function. I am waiting on an answer. I have been paranoid since my AKI in 2022.

I had two cups of coffee. My second cup, I put protein powder in it and it was delish. I have to make the bacon soon or it will go bad. I just don’t feel like cooking. After I finished my coffee, I took a shower. I trimmed my mustache. I thought about trimming my beard but I didn’t have the energy for it. My back cramped up big time after I washed up and rinsed off. I had to sit for a few. Drying took a lot of energy. I then brushed my teeth. Now I am just resting in my room.

Someone from UMB Financial aid office finally responded to my email. I had to submit a signature document. I couldn’t remember what I submitted so I just sent a couple more. I also got an email from Mass Rehab from a vocational counselor. I hope to meet with her sometime next week. I hope it will be via zoom because I am not sure how to get to her office. It is a few towns away from me.

Despite sleeping late, I still feel tired. I have only been up for three hours. I hate this shit. I feel like the depression is making me sleep more but I really am just laying down mostly. It take a really long time for me to fall asleep. I often hear my AC and sometimes it sounds like a plane is flying over but it’s just the AC and the way my ear hears it. Drives me crazy and keeps me up. The Sox have the final weekend before the All Star break. They will be off most of the week starting Monday. I hate the break. Sox don’t play again till Friday, a week from today.

Sweaty day

It is still hot out. House is like a million degrees. I keep sweating so much just having coffee or something to eat. I only had enough half and half for one cup of coffee. My cousin took me grocery shopping and I bought some deli meats. I tried the prosciutto. Don’t care for it. I had some roast beef that was good. I need to make the bacon before it goes bad but it is too hot to make it.

I made an afternoon ice coffee. I met with the interim social worker until I have a long term therapist. It went ok. He is going to send me some plan and skills to help with my ADLs. I was able to shave my head but still haven’t showered yet. My side is hurting me for some reason. It has all week. I have no urinary symptoms. Those have cleared up. But I have noticed my pee is pale yellow all the time. Don’t know if that is good or not. I am trying to keep hydrated in this heat. Yesterday all I did was sleep most of the day. I woke up not knowing what the hell day it was.

I feel tired. I slept ok last night only getting up this morning to pee. I had some weird dreams that caused headaches. Thankfully I didn’t need to take anything for them. The coffee did nothing for my energy levels. I am practically falling asleep as I am typing this. I guess that is all I have for today.