midnightdemons7

Freaking out

My night of sleeping was terrible, again. I took a trazodone around 2am and had broken sleep. I know I woke up or was up, I can’t really remember now, around 0530 and then I slept till 8 when I had to pee. I decided to stay up. I made coffee. I was hungry but I didn’t feel like cooking. I had my biscuits with coffee. After I finished the cup, I went back upstairs because I was out of coffee in the kitchen and my niece was still sleeping. I had to go to the porch for more coffee and would had to go through her room to get it. I ended up studying.

My Anthro professor was quite busy this morning. I had four or five emails from him. And that lobbying article I didn’t finish reading now has to be read because he sent questions about it. Fucker. He apologized for the delay in exam 1 test results. He said he is working on them but didn’t give a time frame of when they would be available. I hope they are back before next week when we take exam 2. I still have no fucking idea what I am doing in this class.

I studied my psych. I went over the slides and my notes. My check deposit for today wasn’t in till after 12 today for some reason. I was hungry by the time so made a black bean burger. Then I ordered Wendy’s because I wanted it. I also ordered my amazon stuff, which I desperately need my allegra. I paid my cell bill. Then went back to studying. I realized I didn’t put the vocab words for chapter 6 in my notebook. As I was doing this, I texted my classmate and see if she wanted me to text definitions to her as a way of studying. We went through a few terms. Then a term came up and I knew she didn’t have the answer. I figured it out though once I went back to the slides.

My psych prof sent a message about those that need a make up and I was hoping he was going to cancel test tomorrow. No such luck. So I am freaking the fuck out, thinking I am going to fail because even though I read the chapter, I can’t answer the questions that are at the end of the chapter. I feel fucking stupid. I can’t distinguish between operant conditioning and classical. I am just fucked. I am on a borderline B- and if I don’t do good on this exam, I am going to drop to a C and that will just kill me.

My NP got back to me about my blood pressures. She wants me to take them again for the next two weeks and then send the results in. If they are still high, then my meds will be adjusted. I found an updated hypertension chart and looks like they lowered the diastolic and systolic readings by 10 points each. So technically, I have been in stage 2 hypertension all this time, even on meds. I am so stressed though. I woke up with a cold sore on my lip. I haven’t had a cold sore since I was a kid. The treatment for it is kind of expensive though so I hope it clears up on its own.

A day of remembering

Today is my father’s birthday and the anniversary of my “second” mother’s death. It has been a difficult day. I have memories of both of these people and I love them so much. I texted my BFFL to say I was thinking of him and sending him big hugs today. My sisters went to the track to celebrate my father’s birthday. I don’t know if they won. One sister is home and the other is not.

I studied the past couple of hours. I had a zoom meeting with one of my classmates. I tried to help her out as much as I could. I don’t think English is her primary language so understanding these terms is especially difficult. I was up all night thinking about chapter 4. I couldn’t remember what the hell it was about. I have been spending some time studying and then taking a break. There is just so much stuff to know.

I didn’t get up until maybe 230pm. I didn’t go to sleep until early this morning, well after 5am. I turned on my white noise and that helped to quiet my thoughts. I had coffee and made ramen noodles. Then I had a snack at my sister’s. She invited me to dinner for tomorrow night as she is making ribs. Should be good. She made asparagus again and I had some. I could have eaten the whole container. I love asparagus, especially when it is thin.

I am getting paid this week. I want to get a cold cut calzone because I have been craving it. I am not sure if I am going to get slices or a whole thing so I can have it for a week. I have made a grocery cart but I don’t know if I can afford all. It will have to wait until Thursday when my bills clear. I need to shower but I have no energy for it. I can barely stay awake. I am so tired from not sleeping. The fatigue sucks. I don’t see my psychiatrist for another week or so. It happens to be the day my mother died last year. So it is going to be tough. I have class that day but it is on zoom so I don’t have to leave the house.

I still don’t know what I am doing in therapy. It’s been a week but it feels much longer than that. I thought about texting her for an appointment tomorrow but I still don’t know what to talk about with her. Between these classes and my sleep issues, I haven’t had the time to think about what my needs are. I feel like I can’t go back to therapy until I figure it out. This is so hard for me to do. I often dissociate while in session. I just can’t stay in touch all session. Emotion hits and I shut down. It is worse when my therapist points something out or calls me out on something.

Saturday Blog 23032024

It’s a cold rainy day today. I had put the ceiling fan on the other night because my room felt stuffy and because the temp dropped and wind picked up, my room is wicked cold. I just shut the fan off. I had some snacks with my sister. She had some cheese and asparagus. It was good. I love cheese. She had bought me some gouda the other day. I don’t know why I was craving it because it doesn’t taste like anything. I had made a fried egg sandwich yesterday and put the cheese in it. It was good. I put too much black pepper in the egg though.

I started reading the Anthro today. I still have 14 pages to read. Why I got to read about lobbyists and Congressmen I don’t know. These readings are driving me bonkers because I don’t know what exactly to keep track of. He just assigns these readings with no other information. Like this lobby reading follows gifting. Are we to guess that “gifts” aka bribes are what drives Congressmen and Senators? I mean they happen, I know this. It’s happened since the 1800s. It’s not something new but it is frowned upon. I am just frustrated with this damn class.

I slept okish last night. I woke up at 1 and took a trazodone as I was awake. I wrote for a bit until it made me sleepy. I slept for about three hours before I woke up from dreaming and then went back to sleep only to wake up in another three hours. I took my meds and just rested. I didn’t get up till 1130. I brushed my teeth and then had coffee and some biscuits. I read after I finished my cup. I have been sneezing most of the day because of allergies. I am out of my regular allergy meds so took my sister’s Zyrtec. It hasn’t helped the sneezing. I got a migraine so I am hesitant to finish reading what I need to. I need to get it done though. And I still have a few more to go after this one. Fuck. I have no idea what is in the syllabus for this week’s hell. I also have no idea when the next exam is. I still have two pages of vocab words to define for it. Hoping Webster’s will help me because otherwise, I have no idea where these words have come from. I know some of them from the book I read back in Jan and I am grateful I read it before the semester started.

Done with psych, for today anyway

I finally finished chapter 6. I reviewed the slides to see what I had to remember about schizophrenia and ASD, which was interesting to learn about their learning impairments. I had my meeting with the TA this morning despite almost missing her. Thankfully she had time after her hours to see me. I had another rough night sleeping. I had slept for about three hours and then woke up kind of hungry and wicked thirsty. I was also sweating. I drank like a bottle of Powerade. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I knew I would have to pee so I read for an hour. For some reason, I find that my midnight readings get remembered better than my day time readings. I didn’t want to open my laptop for the Anthro readings. I will spend time reading tomorrow. I have no idea what I was supposed to read and frankly, I don’t care anymore. The professor has had a month with exam 1 and still hasn’t posted grades for it. This class is a joke. I wish I could drop it but that would mean having to take a similar class to meet my requirements and I am too stubborn and invested to do so.

So I took my self-assessment for chapt 6 and it is already graded. I feel better about knowing the confusing terms. I am done with psych, for now. Tomorrow will try and tackle Anthro even though I know I will be spending three freaking hours reading just one article.

I had a headache last night and it continued when I woke up today. My blood pressure is still slightly elevated. I am still waiting to hear back from either the NP or my PCP about it. I don’t know if this headache is sinuses, stress headache, or allergies. What really sucks is I am out of my allergy meds until I order it next week. I hope the pollen doesn’t explode until I get it. If I order on Mon when I get paid, I hope to get it by Wed. I have a lot of stuff to order on Amazon as I am low on my stuff. I meant to order them last month but forgot. I also plan on ordering a cold cut calzone because I have been fucking craving one for a while now and need it.

I am so fucking tired and no matter how many times I laid down today, I couldn’t even doze off. I had to go to the bathroom within 10 mins. Stupid bladder. I’m so sick of being up all night and being tired during the day. I maybe got another three hours of sleep as I didn’t go back to sleep till my sister left for work this morning. My med alarm went off and I wanted to throw my phone against the wall. I thought I would hear my phone go off for email but something is delaying new email from coming through my notifications. I don’t know what that is. I changed the settings and it made it worse. I am going to try and have a 10pm bed time tonight and see if I can sleep through. I will not be happy if I wake up again. I am starting to really get cranky and annoyed at small things. My sister came home from work and was so fucking loud. She was like an elephant in the house. It just irked me so much. I know it is because of this fucking headache. I am just sensitive to things. Not sure if this is a migraine or not. I never really know and I don’t want to take my migraine med unless I know for sure.