midnightdemons7

Today was hot and muggy but I went grocery shopping and picked up my meds. I was sweating while waiting for the bus home. I felt bad leaving the puppy alone but I had to. She forgave me as I gave her some treats when I came home. She didn’t pee or poop, tho she did chew on her mother’s new rug. She is teething.

I felt great until I had to walk home. The heat was getting to me and I had to rest. I definitely need a shower but will take one either before bed or tomorrow before my appts, if I get up before noon.

I got my pain meds today and my insurance didn’t cover the 10 days. Only 7. I can pay out of pocket for the 3 pills otherwise I have to get a prior authorization. So fucking stupid. Also my Zofran isn’t in tablet form. It’s the oral dissolving tablets that I hate. They don’t work like the tablets do. Pharmacist said I can swallow them. If they don’t work, I’ll just tell my pcp and get her to give me the tablets. I forgot to tell her when I requested it. I am so mad at myself.

Went to a different grocery store and they had Ben and Jerry’s chocolate therapy! I was so happy. I got two pints and a fudge brownie. I told my bitch sister not to eat them. They were lower priced than the other store and I got eggs for 4 bucks a dozen. I didn’t get any meat. I really didn’t know what I wanted. I got my frozen meals so I am set with that and I got a few salad mixes that I hope don’t freeze in my fridge. Going to have salad for dinner tonight.

Next few days are going to in the 90s or above. I hate it. Today I was so exhausted. My legs felt like jelly when going up or down the stairs. I watched the puppy. She was either on the bed or in her crate (she put herself there). Her mom should be home soon. I don’t know why they have to play with her dog food. They add stuff to it and she doesn’t eat it. Saw a bunch in the trash and it was stinking up the kitchen. The trash needed to be taken out but it was too heavy for me.

I finally brushed my teeth and shaved. I thought about trimming my beard but I was sweating in the bathroom and didn’t want to stay longer. I really haven’t had much to drink besides coffee. I roasted some zucchini and forgot to use oil. It should be ok. I’ve made it before like that. If I had the energy I would have made it with eggs and breadcrumbs. It was big enough to fry it like that.

I had a.meeting today with the study. They wanted to talk about interventions after the hospital and we discussed different strategies. I think they are on track with it. They sent me my safety plan again. I am going to share it with my therapist on Thursday.

I got a headache and just want to sleep. I just finished a cup of coffee so I don’t understand why I am sleepy. This is like the fifth headache in a week I’ve had. I know it is heat related because when the temps are lower, I don’t get one. I see my pcp Thurs. I had to request some Zofran and a new nurse messaged me. I hope the nice nurse I’ve know the past few years is still there. It will suck if she left.

I am going to ask my pcp for a meta letter. I still need to reschedule the appt for bottom surgery but it doesn’t hurt to get the letters now. I also want to know if the procedure is done at the hospital. Also want to talk about getting on the weight loss drug. I’m scared to being these things up because it so personal and I have such a fear of rejection.

I asked my sister for something and went down to her apt to pick it up. She was telling me one of her friends was on the weight loss drug I was thinking of trying and instead of acceptance, I was met with judgements. I should be walking around the block and not be drinking powerade anymore. I would love to do that but it’s 100 degrees outside and I can barely tolerate the 200 degrees in the house. My legs felt like jelly today and I have such a fucking headache right now it’s not funny. Plus I get short of breath so easily now because I am becoming a damn hermit. I am eating just enough calories to survive so my weight doesn’t change much. Except I’ve been eating more chips lately and I think that has added the pounds. I’ve gained like 20 pounds with this depression episode. And the only way I know to lose it is to stop eating. Some days I will only have coffee or a sandwich. I just eat once a day, sometimes twice if I am hungry. I just can’t take their ableism. It hurts because I try and just can’t some days. Like today I needed to pick up my meds. I was too hot so didn’t leave the house. I will try again tomorrow. They don’t understand how hard it is for me. And I hate myself for it.

Sunday Funday 13072025

I didn’t get up when my alarm went off this morning so I didn’t have coffee. I woke up when my cousin called me to say she was outside. Oops. I quickly threw my shoes on and grabbed the things I needed for my cousins. It was a good drive down, not too much traffic. I had a good time. We took pictures, had pizza, and cake. Afterwards, my cousin took us to Starbucks. She needed a coffee. I thought about it but it was after 5pm and I would be up all night if I was and I have an appt at noon tomorrow I don’t want to over sleep for.

I was up in the middle of the night again last night. My sister woke me up as she is never fucking quiet when she leaves her room. Doesn’t help that her door squeaks when she opens it. Because I was in a rush this morning, I didn’t take my morning meds. I am sneezing like a lunatic. I can’t stop. I guess missing that morning allegra does more than I think it does.

I came home and my sisters were judging me. I was out of breath just walking in the door. My sister said something. My cousin gave me my godfather’s shoe shine box and both sisters complained about it. I love that I have it even if I never shine a shoe. Reminds me of the times in the past when these things were important.

I love my cousin’s house. It is the kind of house that I want to have as it is all on one level. The backyard is huge though so I would need a landscaper. The puppy just came up to my room looking for treats. LOL She wouldn’t leave until I gave her some. She ate some dust that was on my floor. She is too funny.

I feel so tired but I keep sneezing my head off. I also ate a lot of food. I had like 3 or 4 slices of pizza plus other stuff. And cake! Game was early this afternoon and now it’s the All Star Break. I hate it because there isn’t a game until Friday. They won today 4-1. Their 10^th in a row. I am so happy they are finally getting games won.

I brought home the leftover pizza. I will have it tomorrow. I also got some squash from my sister’s yard so I will make that too. I got food for the next few days.