midnightdemons7

Disgusted at myself

I went to bed after the Sox game finished. I think I slept for a little bit and then I woke up because I had to pee. The puppy was up so I petted her for a little bit and then she went back into her crate. I went back up to my room and I was done trying to sleep. I read for a bit. I read a few chapters of Definition of Suicide. I forgot how verbose Shneidman is. He also uses big words so I got to use a dictionary sometimes when reading the book.

After I read, I tried to go to sleep as it was 4 or 5 am. Eventually I drifted off and was in the middle of a dream when my med alarm woke me up. I turned it off and went back to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later to pee. I wanted to go out and pick up my order I placed but I fell back to sleep and this time I didn’t get up till 4pm. I have no idea what time I took my meds. I took my T after I had something to eat.

The puppy was home all the time I was sleeping. If I had known, I might have gotten up to watch her. She took two dumps and peed under the kitchen table again. I am feeling frustrated about things right now, not about the puppy. I keep thinking about ending it. I was thinking about it last night and then I thought about how my sister would react if I survived. It wouldn’t go well. I could picture us arguing over where I got the pills and where they were stashed. I wish I could just order some arsenic sometimes and die that way.

I got therapy tomorrow and I am seeing my psychiatrist. I am going to try and leave in the morning and make a quick trip to Starbucks and the store to pick up my order. I also need to get a birthday card for my cousin. I am seeing her this weekend with my other cousins. She is the one that just got diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 1. I think they got it all and she just needs radiation to make sure it doesn’t come back. She lives south of Boston, near the border of Rhode Island. I plan on giving them my book as I never got to mail it to them.

 I am so tired. But I don’t think I am going to go to sleep anytime soon. I am too restless. I hate when I am tired and feel restless at the same time. It was much cooler today. I shut off the AC for the first time in a week. I think the temp is going to be the same tomorrow, too. I hope it will be in the morning. I just want to get dressed, brush my teeth, and go out the door. I’ll get my caffeine fix and breakfast at Starbucks. I might get a refresher as a treat if I do go. They have a yummy summer berry lemonade that is so good. Then I will be able to be home for therapy and seeing my psych. It has been more than a month since I seen my therapist. I hope we will be able to work on the suicidal stuff. We’ll see tomorrow how it goes.

Sweltering day

I was supposed to meet my DMH worker today but it hit 90 with a feel of 102 and I said nope, not going out. I was roasting in my kitchen as I drank my morning coffee. I got up around 10 or 11, I don’t remember. I was having a weird dream that I was working in the hematology lab for some reason and the tube station kept on getting full with specimens. I kept having to go to all the tube stations as there was just two of us working and then I called chem to say I was going to be late or something. I don’t remember the reason now. Just a strange dream. I woke up with a little headache that was made worse by the heat. For the second day in a row, I got the same kind of headache. Tylenol helped a little bit. Because of the heat, the heat rash on my wrist came back and now I got it on top of my wrist as well. I am so glad the study ends in a couple of days. I am sick of the surveys and wearing this fitbit.

The talk with my DMH worker went well, though she wasn’t thrilled I was getting bottom surgery. It is what I want. I’ve thought about this for some time. It isn’t some thing I just thought of on a whim. The consult is on Friday. I need to leave around 1230 to get to the hospital area of Boston by 2. I also need to be there at least 20 mins early as I need to change my name and update my insurance and I am sure there will be paperwork for me to fill out. I tried to put my medication in the mychart app but there isn’t an option for it.

I have been feeling tired since I woke up. I was waiting for my DMH worker to call and I was laying down. I nearly fell asleep. I have been trying to stay hydrated because I have been sweating so much. I need to shower. I think it will help my headache. I bought a lavender odor thing and now my room smells nice. I hate that I have to stay in here to be cool. The house is a million degrees. I swear if I ever get the money, I am tearing a hole in the wall in the kitchen and putting a big ass AC in it to cool the entire house. I don’t care what the electric will be as long as I can be in the kitchen and not sweat my ass off. I can’t even cook in there. Just microwave shit and that is it. Heat isn’t helping the fatigue. I see my pcp next week. It’s supposed to be in person. I might change it to virtual. Depends on how I feel and what the weather will be like.

As I was sitting in my kitchen, I had my feet up. I noticed my foot muscles twitching. It was so fucking weird. I didn’t feel it though. I saw it so it was even weirder. I get foot cramps all the time, at least once a day. Starts in one foot and then my other foot will hurt. I hate it because it separates my toes and it is so painful. I have to wiggle my toes to get the cramp to stop.

Heat and me don’t agree

I had an awful night sleeping last night. I woke up to pee and then pet the dog for a bit. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I think it was sometime after 6 I finally did and then my med alarm went off. I took my meds and had dreams I was on the Enterprise doing undercover work. I somehow got a second degree burn on my hand (in the dream) and had to go to sickbay. The uniforms were different than in the show or any current show. It had an emblem where the lapels were that stated the person’s rank at the collar. So it had the lapels and this emblem. It was weird.

I got up around 2pm. I had my coffee and a donut. My niece was going to go to the wake services for her boyfriend’s brother. She put the puppy in the crate. Soon as she left, the puppy was barking her head off and crying. I was in the hot kitchen and got a headache from it and the noise. I took her out and she went under the bed. I bought some treats and gave her some but she wouldn’t get out from under the bed.

I had a frozen dinner. I had soda to drink and as the glass fizzed I took a sip only to get the mist on my glasses. I then had a seltzer water. My sister got me into the San Pelligrino with lime. I also bought blood orange and limonata. Soon as the weather is cool, I am going to make my cake with blueberries and put frosting on it this time.

I feel like absolute shit. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be the same bullshit. I ordered some stuff at CVS for school as I just got one of my textbooks. I will go tomorrow to pick it up so I can go to Starbucks. I need to get out of the house. I have an appt with my DMH worker but I don’t think I am going to head into town. It is going to be hot and a chance for storms. This entire week is going to be above 80 and chance of rain or storms. No wonder my fucking head is killing me right now.

Today is national chocolate day so I am going to have Ben and Jerry’s fudge brownie ice cream. I need ice cream and the calories for my damn medicine. Sox are playing tonight against Colorado. I’ll keep track of the score like I usually do.

I had dinner with my sister and then had a cup of coffee. I felt tired afterwards so laid down. I snooze a bit and then woke up feeling super depressed and suicidal. I have no idea why. My cousin called while I was sleeping and left me a message I didn’t like. Maybe I’m just pissed off. I don’t know.

I had cuddles with the pup earlier today. Little sassy was with her mother so cuddling with me was OK and so was petting her. She didn’t have to hide under the bed.

I was up most of the night. I finished my book and still couldn’t sleep. My brain was turned on. I wrote notes on the chapters I wanted to focus on and then sent it to my friend to see if it made sense. This was at 5am. I went to sleep after 6. I took my meds. I don’t know what time I got up. Think it was 11 or so. I didn’t sleep too long.

Tomorrow i got to call my psychiatrist office and move up my appt. I also sent a message to my pcp as I sneezed last night and flared up my back. I have pain going down my leg. I felt something shift when I sneezed. I’m not have bowel or bladder problems so I don’t need to scurry to the ED. I hate radiating pain. Always freaks me out.