midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 26072025

I really hate that I cannot get all my meds delivered like I used to. I was able to get my migraine med delivered but the others I have to pick up. I will do that Monday as tomorrow the bus schedule sucks.

I had a very vivid dream I went to the hospital where the bottom surgery consult was and I got lost. I ended up first on the wrong floor and then I was in the inpatient side of the unit but I couldn’t walk so someone got me a wheelchair and was wheeling me around. My mother was there and I was wheeling her somewhere. I ended up losing her. Then they handed me her things. I knew it was a dream and I tried to wake up but I just couldn’t. It just seemed to go on and on.

I ended up waking up around 3pm. It was too late to have coffee. I wasn’t hungry but I had some cereal. Then some cookies and then some potatoes. I didn’t want anything else. I thought about ordering something but I had food in the house. I really didn’t know what I wanted. I thought about getting steak tips but I had a lot of burgers last night and I am good for meat right now. Then I thought about getting Kung Pao. I still might get that tomorrow. My sister got the orange chicken from Panda Express that is really good so I might get a bowl of that too just to have for lunch on Monday.

I am having major cramps in my foot right now. I haven’t drank a lot of water even though I feel thirsty. I always get cramps in my feet. I hate it because there is nothing I can do about it. Sox are losing. They lost last night too. They are playing the Dodgers. They just took the lead in the 3^rd. Duran denied an inside the park homerun. So close, too!

Therapy Friday 25072025

I didn’t sleep again last night and my delivery stayed an hour outside in the heat because I didn’t look at my text messages. It was going off and I was just like shut up. I wanted to sleep. When I woke up I realized it could have been the delivery and it was and I quickly took my meds and went downstairs to put stuff away. My ice cream was really soft. I was so mad at myself.

I had a cup of coffee and played with the puppy before therapy. I wanted to shower but it wasn’t happening. The house was a million degrees and I couldn’t tolerate it. I wanted to be with the puppy so she wasn’t alone but her room didn’t have the AC on and she doesn’t like cold.

Therapy went ok. I didn’t talk to her about anything I wanted to talk to her about regarding my suicidality. She brought it up but we didn’t delve into it. I brought up my body image issues so we discussed that. Before we ended, she gave me some questions to think about for next week. I just went over them and it is thought provoking. It is something I will have to sit and think about. I know part of the reason I have issues is because my father harped on my weight by calling me fat and ugly for years. My therapist called them opinion distortions or something along those lines. They aren’t facts.

Next week I will find out about the weight loss drug approval or not. I saw one report that in eight months, you can lose sixty pounds. That would be my goal. I want to be around 160 but Ideally would love to be 140. But I want to lose slow enough that I don’t have skin hanging off me.

I am wicked tired. I spent so much time in the heat and it just exhausted me. I didn’t shower like I wanted to today. I didn’t even brush my teeth. Try again tomorrow. There was a meme that I will share in this post about courage and trying again tomorrow. I found it meaningful and spot on for me. I don’t know if I will shave my head tomorrow. It is getting a bit long for a razor. I will try it but I might have to let it grow and then buzz it to start over.

Out in 90 degree weather

It was hot out but not humid thank god. I think I would have died as I walked from the train station to the DMH office. My legs felt like a combo of cement and jello as they were heavy and weak. I had one coffee before I left the house and then I took a Lyft to the train station so I could get a latte and something to eat at Starbucks. I rested as much as I could and it still took me almost twenty minutes to walk 0.1 miles. My legs were not having it so I had to walk slow.

After the appt I went to the grocery store. Luckily the cereal aisle was near the milk. I also got some chicken wings for dinner as I have been craving them. I got a steak and cheese at Jersey Mike’s as it was a new place I never been to. It was a good sub but the bread was not good. It fell apart as I was eating it.

I got home quick. Train and bus were minimal wait though it took me forever to walk down the street that becomes a mile long. I stopped midway for a bit. I had to rest. I hope that once I start to lose weight my legs don’t become jelly. I am so glad I didn’t take the puppy with me. I thought about it but it was too much heat. I became a sweat ball by the time I came home. My shirt was soaked with sweat.

I talked to my DMH worker about my therapist. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, partly because the Sox score kept seesawing back and forth. They finally won in the 11^th inning. I was fidgety and thought about what the therapist sent me. I went over it and it had NOTHING to do with me. I couldn’t connect with it and it made no sense trying to learn it. What I sent her made sense and applied to me. There is no reason to go to another set of beliefs. I started writing a post but I was so tired I couldn’t get my thoughts together. I wrote a paragraph. I will share it tomorrow. The platform that she uses for virtual appts isn’t zoom so I can’t share the doc. I will just message it in the app.

I am tired. I just gave the puppy a bunch of treats.  Then we played tug of war. She doesn’t get aggressive. She has to be the calmest puppy I’ve ever met. She will have her zoomies though. Out in our yard she runs around like crazy. I love her so much.