midnightdemons7

My second treatment didn’t go well. I was more suicidal and depressed. I slept early and then woke up with a wicked headache.

I talked with the psychologist and we both agreed that ketamine is not for me. We also talked about the stress of being home. She wants me to talk more in my therapy about it. My therapist hasn’t responded to any of my texts. I’ll try her again today.

The study staff finally left a charger for the fitbit. It died yesterday morning. It charged while I was recovering from ketamine. It was a lot to handle. They gave me extra Valium and that just knocked me out. I had a good nurse last night.

I’m thinking of writing an email to my therapist about the stuff the psychologist and I talked about. The psychologist also said that I am angry and shut down when I feel it. She also thinks it is fueling the suicidal thoughts.

I got an email from UMB about financial aid. I got to do the SAP thing again so I am hopeful I will get aid next year. I will do that tomorrow when I get home.

There was nothing to do today. I spent all morning in bed and some parts of the afternoon. I feel really depressed. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I’m kind of nervous about it. I don’t know if i will be offered another ketamine treatment.

I played my game but I wasn’t really interested in it. I have been feeling tired most of the day. I am not going to take the new med. It is making me too groggy. It does help with sleep though. My weird dreams are less weird.

Today was such a long day. Seemed like time was crawling. I did my laundry. I didn’t fold it. I’ll probably do that if I can’t sleep.

My first ketamine treatment was yesterday. It did not go well. I became wicked suicidal and could picture myself overdosing. I just wanted to die. The psychiatrist was disappointed it didn’t work the way we were hoping. I still have the IV. I am not sure i will get another treatment or not. I had a long talk with the psychologist after. We worked some stuff out. She wants me to be curious about me. I don’t know what that looks like. She also asked about therapy and I said I don’t know what I want from therapy. I don’t feel like I need it.

This afternoon, I felt suicidal again. I told staff. The nurse gave me some atarax. I watched some MASH to laugh. I am tired. I slept good. I didn’t have a hangover with the new med this morning. I was just tired and didn’t want to get out of bed. Then they came to my room for vitals. Breakfast came so I went to the day room.

There was peer support group today. It was good. I am going to join on in my area. They were in the center of Boston where is hard for me to get to. I can go to either the one where my DMH worker is or the one near me. My social worker said they are still working on a partial program for me but she hasn’t seen me yet. I don’t have an appt with my therapist yet. The blue line is closed all week so I can’t go to my home town unless I take shuttles.