midnightdemons7

Still haven’t left the house

I couldn’t sleep last night as I felt wired. I took some Benadryl and had a wicked hard time getting up when I was supposed to. In fact, I went back to sleep only to wake up around the time of my appt. Oops. I don’t know how much of it was scared of going or not. It is a big deal to me and the thought of being criticized or being told I was too old or whatever was too much. I mean what if I don’t have enough to have what I want? I know it would send me into a suicidal spiral.

I got up and had some coffee. To my surprise, the puppy didn’t hide from me, as she came right when I went down the stairs. I think giving her treats has helped. She gave me a heart attack when I went to my room after my shower as she was in my room. She ate some of my dirty tissues. Thank god she didn’t pee or shit though. She sat for me so I know she wanted more treats but I already gave her a handful.

I’ve felt sick most of the day today. I feel like I am coming down with something. I have been smelling dog pee all day, even in my room. I think I might have tracked it in on my slippers. I have a headache. My neuro got back to me early this morning about the tremors. She thinks it is the Depakote and asked if I wanted to reduce it. I said I will live with it as it is helping my headaches. Risk/benefit was more important to me. Thank god she didn’t want to do an MRI. I hate them. I didn’t do well during my last one. I nearly pushed the panic button.

My sister canceled plans with me tonight to go out after work. I will see her tomorrow as she is taking me to the farmer’s market to get some food. I’ve never been and hope they have more than just vegetables. I am a carnivore and need my protein.

Disgusted at myself

I went to bed after the Sox game finished. I think I slept for a little bit and then I woke up because I had to pee. The puppy was up so I petted her for a little bit and then she went back into her crate. I went back up to my room and I was done trying to sleep. I read for a bit. I read a few chapters of Definition of Suicide. I forgot how verbose Shneidman is. He also uses big words so I got to use a dictionary sometimes when reading the book.

After I read, I tried to go to sleep as it was 4 or 5 am. Eventually I drifted off and was in the middle of a dream when my med alarm woke me up. I turned it off and went back to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later to pee. I wanted to go out and pick up my order I placed but I fell back to sleep and this time I didn’t get up till 4pm. I have no idea what time I took my meds. I took my T after I had something to eat.

The puppy was home all the time I was sleeping. If I had known, I might have gotten up to watch her. She took two dumps and peed under the kitchen table again. I am feeling frustrated about things right now, not about the puppy. I keep thinking about ending it. I was thinking about it last night and then I thought about how my sister would react if I survived. It wouldn’t go well. I could picture us arguing over where I got the pills and where they were stashed. I wish I could just order some arsenic sometimes and die that way.

I got therapy tomorrow and I am seeing my psychiatrist. I am going to try and leave in the morning and make a quick trip to Starbucks and the store to pick up my order. I also need to get a birthday card for my cousin. I am seeing her this weekend with my other cousins. She is the one that just got diagnosed with breast cancer, stage 1. I think they got it all and she just needs radiation to make sure it doesn’t come back. She lives south of Boston, near the border of Rhode Island. I plan on giving them my book as I never got to mail it to them.

 I am so tired. But I don’t think I am going to go to sleep anytime soon. I am too restless. I hate when I am tired and feel restless at the same time. It was much cooler today. I shut off the AC for the first time in a week. I think the temp is going to be the same tomorrow, too. I hope it will be in the morning. I just want to get dressed, brush my teeth, and go out the door. I’ll get my caffeine fix and breakfast at Starbucks. I might get a refresher as a treat if I do go. They have a yummy summer berry lemonade that is so good. Then I will be able to be home for therapy and seeing my psych. It has been more than a month since I seen my therapist. I hope we will be able to work on the suicidal stuff. We’ll see tomorrow how it goes.

Sweltering day

I was supposed to meet my DMH worker today but it hit 90 with a feel of 102 and I said nope, not going out. I was roasting in my kitchen as I drank my morning coffee. I got up around 10 or 11, I don’t remember. I was having a weird dream that I was working in the hematology lab for some reason and the tube station kept on getting full with specimens. I kept having to go to all the tube stations as there was just two of us working and then I called chem to say I was going to be late or something. I don’t remember the reason now. Just a strange dream. I woke up with a little headache that was made worse by the heat. For the second day in a row, I got the same kind of headache. Tylenol helped a little bit. Because of the heat, the heat rash on my wrist came back and now I got it on top of my wrist as well. I am so glad the study ends in a couple of days. I am sick of the surveys and wearing this fitbit.

The talk with my DMH worker went well, though she wasn’t thrilled I was getting bottom surgery. It is what I want. I’ve thought about this for some time. It isn’t some thing I just thought of on a whim. The consult is on Friday. I need to leave around 1230 to get to the hospital area of Boston by 2. I also need to be there at least 20 mins early as I need to change my name and update my insurance and I am sure there will be paperwork for me to fill out. I tried to put my medication in the mychart app but there isn’t an option for it.

I have been feeling tired since I woke up. I was waiting for my DMH worker to call and I was laying down. I nearly fell asleep. I have been trying to stay hydrated because I have been sweating so much. I need to shower. I think it will help my headache. I bought a lavender odor thing and now my room smells nice. I hate that I have to stay in here to be cool. The house is a million degrees. I swear if I ever get the money, I am tearing a hole in the wall in the kitchen and putting a big ass AC in it to cool the entire house. I don’t care what the electric will be as long as I can be in the kitchen and not sweat my ass off. I can’t even cook in there. Just microwave shit and that is it. Heat isn’t helping the fatigue. I see my pcp next week. It’s supposed to be in person. I might change it to virtual. Depends on how I feel and what the weather will be like.

As I was sitting in my kitchen, I had my feet up. I noticed my foot muscles twitching. It was so fucking weird. I didn’t feel it though. I saw it so it was even weirder. I get foot cramps all the time, at least once a day. Starts in one foot and then my other foot will hurt. I hate it because it separates my toes and it is so painful. I have to wiggle my toes to get the cramp to stop.