midnightdemons7

Fiercely overheated room

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I didn’t end up falling asleep until 4am. Then I had weird dreams that gave me headaches. I woke up around 9 to pee and then I took my meds. I set my alarm for 1130 so I could make some coffee before my therapy appt. That was the plan at least. I didn’t end up getting out of bed when the alarm went off. I did get up when my phone was blowing up with messages. My sisters were decided what to do for New Year’s Eve. We will be going to some restaurant.

I showered today. Then while I was resting in my underwear, I had a bowel accident. I had to wash myself off and my underwear too. That was fun. Now I got to be careful when I fart.

I haven’t eaten anything today. I had two cups of coffee after therapy. I am not really hungry. I have been drinking a lot of fluid though. I sent off my BP readings to my pcp’s office. It’s been a week since I have been at the 75 mg dose of my blood pressure med. My diastolic is still in the 90s. I go for bloodwork this week.

I am glad my DMH worker texted me today because I forgot I am meeting her tomorrow. If the weather is somewhat warm, I might walk to the station. Otherwise, I will take the bus. My grade is finally in. I got an A- and my GPA is now 2.53. I went over the audit while I was waiting for my therapist and I still have 10 fricken classes to take. I have 3 for my requirements and then almost 7 for electives. This feel like a never ending game or something.

Phone is still blowing up. My nephew can’t eat Asian food so now we are going around the table again. Ugh. Now they are talking about playing games. I don’t want to play no games. I’d rather sit in a bookstore, looking at books. More like drooling over them as I can’t afford them. I am tired today. I want to just read my books until I fall asleep. I am playing my game. I am so addicted to it. It’s fun.

Not the only lonely one

I am listening to Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs. I couldn’t decide which album to play so played both. I am not up to listening Taylor. She has so many good albums it is hard to pick one, though I did create an ERAS playlist so I can listen to those songs. I still haven’t watched the docuseries. I might watch it tonight. Depends on how I feel.

I got up around noon. I had some weird ass dreams that gave me headaches. One had my mother in it and seemed to go on forever. I had a mocha with some pumpkin pie and then I had a cup of hot coffee. I got a stomachache and it was hard to drink the coffee. I haven’t eaten anything since and I am not really hungry but I am making sure I am drinking fluids. It’s hot in my room and I am sweating. I stink so I need to shower.

I was able to clean one corner of my room. I have been meaning to do it for a while and today I finally did it. I had to do it in two tries because my lower back flared up. I brought the stuff to the bins except the trash. I will do that later. I am tired right now. I also did my meds for the week. Friday I did a mistake. I took my morning meds instead of my night meds. I was almost done taking them when I realized my error. I had a double dose of antidepressant so I called the pharmacy. They said to look out for side effects and they told me what to look for. If I experienced them to call my pcp or go to the ED. I was ok. I didn’t experience anything other than some mild jerking in my legs. I took some Ativan so I wouldn’t freak out and be up all night worrying. I slept most of yesterday. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had McDs. It was the only thing I ate yesterday.

Tomorrow grades are due so I will finally get my GPA adjusted. Then I can redo the audit and see what I need to take next. I should be done with most of my requirements. I know I need to take a 400 level psych class. I need to talk to my psych advisor and see what would be best to take. I am getting there. It feels so far away but I am close. The end line is getting there.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am glad. I need to talk about how bad this weekend was. Christmas was bad but it just got worse from there. I need to shower today and am trying to motivate myself. I usually pick out my clothes and that helps. I haven’t done that yet. Also my bitchy sister isn’t home so taking a shower now would be ideal. Tomorrow is supposed to rain so I probably won’t go out unless it is a light rain. I still need to go to the library to get that stupid book I want to read. I need to get my blood done this week so maybe I will go then before I go to the hospital. I have been up for about four hours and I am already tired. I want to nap. That is all I want to do lately but the problem is my chest gets tight the longer I lie down. I just become stiff. Sucks.

I just couldn’t be bothered today to do anything. Depression is so bad.

I wish it would soon be over, but alas…

I don’t know if the research still supports this but according to the book I am reading about suicide, a recovery from a depressive episode can take at least eleven months. My depressions have lasted so long I don’t even know how long anymore.

I have been in a dreary mood all day. I wanted to clean one area of my room and I still might do it. I also have a stomachache. I ate some hot wings and I don’t think it is agreeing with me. I have been up since 3 even though I slept for a few hours between 7 and 11. I slept for about six hours and then it was like ok I am up. I think I went to bed too early. I will try and go to bed later and see if that helps. Problem is I could get overtired before it is late enough to sleep. Then I won’t sleep at all. It is so damn tricky.

I haven’t watch the Taylor docuseries. Today is episode 5 and 6. I just am not really interested. Depression is making it hard to do things I am interested in. I will be glad to see my therapist on Mon. I need to get some contact details from her should I need to cancel our appt. I have to give at least 24 hours notice but our appts are on Mon so I don’t think someone will be in the office on Sun.

It’s freezing outside so the heat has been going all day. I hate the noise it makes. My room is hot so I just put the ceiling fan on. I want a cheeseburger from McDs but it is kind of late now. I don’t want to risk my stomach hurting all night. I am tired and I need to take my night meds soon. It’s too early for bed though so I might read for a bit. I have been reading two books and swapping them when I get tired of reading. I usually will read one book during the night and then the other before bed. I don’t think I am going to make my book challenge this year. I might be like two books short, if I finish the two I am reading right now. I have a few more days so we’ll see.