hail to the shower

8-30-12

I live in a depressed state most of the time. It takes me a long time to get dressed and make decisions about what to wear, from the socks, to the pants/ shorts, shirt, etc. but the most annoying thing that I always have to psych myself up for is a shower. It should be an easy decision but because I have to stand longer than I should, it is painful. It actually exhausts me, both physically and mentally instead of being invigorating. I rarely love taking a shower. I have such a bad association to it because it makes me exhausted and then afterwards I just want to crawl back in bed. It takes too much energy sometimes just to put clothes back on. It takes all I have out of me. I hardly ever think that it is a good thing to be exhausted after showering but I find that I am and I have grown to despise it. I don’t know when it happened it just did. Maybe because it just takes so much energy to shower. I don’t even stay in long, ten minutes tops, yet it still robs me of the energy for the day. Though this isn’t the case always. Sometimes if I take it a night it wakes me up and then I am up all hours of the night. It really is mind boggling how a shower affects me. You know you need to do it because of good hygiene and all but sometimes I just want to stay away from it because it bothers me so much. I usually try and take a shower every 3-4 days or so. I do this because my mother is always bitching about the water bill so that further causes me to wait until I am raunchy and smelly before I go. It is better in the winter time because the summer sucks. I sweat and you have to take a shower more just to get the stuff off you. I am lucky my hair is short and I don’t go out much because it gets greasy looking and once it starts itching I know I have no choice but to shower. I know you might think that this is silly but it really gives me anxiety.

I guess my pain meds have kicked in enough for me to try and shower. It will do one of two things, either wake me up or tire me out…

This time it tired me out. I took a three hour nap, which has been my norm the past few days. I think my meds may have something to do with it because within an hour or taking them I feel really sleepy.
On another note, I have been having strong urges to cut my leg the past 24 hrs. It sucks because I really think there will be a benefit to it while the medical professionals do not. It’s like an infection that needs debridement and I just feel that if I take the junk out, my leg will no longer be swollen anymore. My rational self still thinks this is a way bad idea. I know it probably is true but I hate being in pain all the time. So the question becomes, to cut or not to cut…