ramblings 12

It appears there is an issue between my bibliography program and windows 8/word 2010. I can type without it crashing on me on my Vista but my new laptop, word crashes. I think I will have to upgrade to X6 when my check comes in the next few weeks.
Saw Lincoln today, the movie. I was very happy about it. It was truly great and the likeness of Daniel Day Lewis to the real Lincoln was uncanning.
It’s three O’clock in the morning. I woke up to go to the bathroom and cannot go back to sleep so decided to blog for a bit. This is the I don’t know how many days where I sleep for a few hours and then I wake up to face the day. Usually I wake up at 5 after about 5 hours sleep, but I went to bed around 11 pm tonight, so I still slept about 4 and half hours. I don’t feel manic or hypomanic, I just have my few hours of sleep and then I am rearing to go.
Pats won 59-24 today. I am sad that I missed the game. I really can’t wait for baseball season to start. I miss watching the game.
I told my psychiatrist about my theory on my having a bad time in October. She thinks it might have something to do with the end of baseball season, daylight changing time, and the darker nights but I don’t know if I believe that this combo is what sets me off. I started writing I think in my last blog that I wanted to kill myself in early November. If that theory holds true, I have been feeling really low since 1994, eighteen years. Granted I cannot remember there being a bad time since before 2005, but I know consistently, I have been in suicidal crisis every Oct/Nov. I just want to end my life and have gone to great lengths to plan my death. Only problem is that I have not acted on my thoughts in all this time, except for the time in 1994 when I truly wanted to end my life and had the means of doing so.
I wish I could say that I am awake because of pain but that is not the case tonight. I am hurting and have taken my pain meds but I am not awake because the pain woke me up, thank goodness.
I took my sister’s car for an oil change today. There was a good Samaritan in the waiting room as I was short, so this young lady gave me twenty dollars to cover my tab. That was the kindest gesture anyone has ever given to me. I kept on beating myself up over not having enough money. I had funds in my account but they have not cleared yet because of the weekend. If I didn’t put gas in my sister’s car I would have been ok. But the moral of the story is that there is truly kind people in the world.