It’s two thirty in the morning and I woke up an hour ago in pain. I have been sick the past few days with a sore throat and the throat pain is what woke me up. I just took some pain pills because the anesthetic lozenge that I just sucked on did shit. So now that I am up and can’t go back to sleep just yet, I thought I would write a blog.
For the first time in years, I actually was able to cancel my therapy appointment for yesterday. I wish I could cancel today as I still can’t talk without it hurting. I know that I should probably go to the doctors but I know they are just going to say it is a cold and send me off with just drink lots of fluids and rest my voice. But this sucks being in pain that wakes you up. I am congested so I know I have a cold.
The reason I say that it has been years since I have had to cancel an appointment with my therapist is that she usually does not allow me to cancel ANY appointments. But seeing as I can’t talk, that is a problem. All of this started with a single fucking sneeze. I swear I am not making this up. I sneeze a hard sneeze and much have done something to my throat. I know it will be a few days before it gets better. But these nights where I am waking up early in the morning in pain I am not liking!!
Since I have been out of it most of the time, I have not thought of killing myself. I am having a hard time thinking with all the congestion in my head. My head feels like it is either underwater or like a 100 pound brick.
As I have not listened to music in a long while, I am listening to Pandora as I don’t know when I am going to go back to sleep. It is so difficult being sick and being up at these late hours. My mother has really pissed me off because she just doesn’t get that it hurts to talk. Today I tried to explain it to her on a notepad and when I actually said something which caused me pain, she said that I was a phoney bologna. I got really ticked off. I still am. So when she wanted something done I just ignored her. I had to go out to see my father’s oncologist. He has liver cancer and I had to go with him to find out about this pain that he is having. His CT scan was clear, though he still has the same tumors. Talking him three hours while waiting was the most painful part of the day. I just wanted to go home so bad and go back to bed.
That is the other thing that pisses me off with my mother is that she thinks that because I am in my room, I sleep all day. Sometimes that is true but it is not. I am usually on my laptop playing my games or writing emails or papers or my blog. If I am not on my laptop, I am writing in my journal or reading a book. The only reason I am in here is because it is quiet. My mother watches TV really loud because she is deaf and it annoys the crap out of me so I stay in my room to get away from the noise, unless I go to Starbucks for my coffee. But I am just usually out for a few hours before I feel the need to come back home. I don’t know why I just can’t spend more than an hour or two at Starbucks. Sometimes I just get my coffee and then come home rather than spend the time writing or reading there. Yesterday I spent some time reading the book Why people die by suicide. I still am taking my time reading this book because it comes so close to home. It is a good book and I am learning the reason why I have not attempted suicide these past few years even though I have thought and planned it in great detail. I still am planning on doing it soon. This time I really don’t care if I fall in the category people say. I just am going to do it regardless of how I am feeling. I feel I have to do this because it is my only way out. I can’t take the pain in my ankle every day and I know it’s not going to get better. I know that I am going to leave a lot of things undone, like my cell phone and such. But I need to get out of this hole that I am in. I can’t take being in pain every day. I just can’t cope with it. I also can’t take being disabled at 37 and I don’t want to turn 38. Chronic pain sucks. It also sucks that I can no longer walk more than a few blocks without pain. It really hurts because there was a time that I was able to walk great distances and to be able to do the Walk for Hunger, which is 20 miles. Now I am lucky to walk six to seven blocks.
Meds are kicking in so I guess I will stop here for now.
midnightdemons7 